Facing the Pain
by Carelna
Summary: After getting shot in 5x01 Nameless, Faceless, Reid has to face the pain and the fear alone, since everyone is focusing on Hotch. How's he going to cope with all the pressure?
1. Chapter 1

**Hey! This is my first fanfiction story I write in English and publish! I hope you don't mind if(when) I make mistakes. I will be updating quite quickly for the next few chapters but after that it might slow down, since I haven't yet written all of them. The chapters will be short at least the first ones. **

**Well, anyway, enjoy! **

Chapter 1

In some way, saving an innocent doctor who had only tried to do his job, felt really good. On the other hand, he couldn't really consider shooting a grieving father as much of a victory. And certainly, lying there on the ground, bleeding gunshot wound on the knee, wasn't something he had planned to do near in the future, although it wasn't totally unexpected with that kind of job he had.

Even if he was hit just to the leg he had to admit that the pain was immense. He tried to focus his vision when he saw his team mates running through the yard, but found it a little hard. He heard them yelling and asking if he was okay and he remembered answering briefly before telling them to call Emily. He remembered JJ's concerned tone and Morgan's confused expression he tried to hide. Later on, he didn't even remember Morgan telling him that they were going to get him to the hospital.

He remembered the ride though. Since he wasn't the only one injured and his condition wasn't really that bad they decided to wait for another ambulance to arrive. While the others tried to fuss over him Reid convinced them to find Emily and leave him. He assured that he would be okay. Finally they called Emily and left, telling Reid to call as soon as he could.

One of the paramedics stayed behind and did whatever he could do for Reid. He put a pressure bandage around his knee and tried to give him morphine which he strictly refused to take. Although, Reid felt like it wouldn't hurt more even if they ripped the entire leg off, he was determined not to allow any drugs to go into his system. And despite the fact that he wasn't bleeding much and his condition wasn't life threatning there was another hole in his memory before the ambulance arrived.

The ride was full of agony and pain, but Reid didn't let a one cry escape from his lips. For once he needed to be the strong one.

After they had pulled over to the door of the hospital and Reid had been unloaded from the back of the ambulance everything went black. Reid knew he hadn't passed out, but he just couldn't remember hearing, seeing or feeling anything other than awful throbbing of his wound. He had felt like throwing up and had welcomed the soft, empty feeling that came along with a sting to his left arm. At least he didn't have to think about anything.


	2. Chapter 2

**When I opened my email today I was surprised to see so many emails from telling someone had added my story to their favourites or something. Thank you so much for everyone! Special thanks for the reviews! **

**This chapter won't be as shot as the other one, but it won't be long either. Sorry about that. They will be longer in the future. I hope. Again, enjoy!**

Chapter 2

Waking up was always the hardest part. Waking up when you knew that it would bring your life no good was even harder. And still he had to do it. Luckily, for once he didn't need a machine to help him breathe while he was in hospital bed. It was a warm surprise and he felt like he was ready to jump out of the bed.

Unfortunately he wasn't quite quick enough. As soon as he had got himself to a sitting position, which took about five minutes giving the slight fuzziness he was feeling, the door opened and a brown headed female nurse entered.

"Hey, don't sit up yet please, doctor Reid. It's going to do no good to you. See, you have to keep your leg elevated", the nurse babbled. He hung his head and lowered himself back to the pillows, defeated.

The nurse checked his chart and answered a few questions like 'what I'm on' and 'how bad is it' and then told him that she would be right back with food. He wasn't very convinced about the idea of food, but allowed the nurse to get him some and even ate a forkful before she was leaving.

"Can I get my phone?" he asked when the nurse was already on the door. He had never thought that his own voice could sound so weird, so young. The nurse smiled and handed the phone. He couldn't stop thinking that her smile was almost as bright as JJ's.

* * *

><p>The phone call was over in no time. He talked to JJ and reassured her that he would be alright and no, no one should come to see him, he would be good without them. He asked about Hotch and hearing the answer made JJ promise they wouldn't tell Hotch what was going on with him.<p>

"No need to give him unnecessary stress", was the only explanation and she swallowed the whole fish. Not that, he didn't know he was the only one to blame; Reid couldn't help feeling quite sad after he had hung up. He was going to be all alone.

* * *

><p>After he finished eating which didn't take long considering he didn't eat much, he started to look around for his watch. He had never really got used to using cell phone as a clock so the thought didn't even cross his mind before he had already asked the all too chirpy nurse for time.<p>

"It's about six pm", she answered happily and took the dishes away along with her loud voice.

Reid found it confusing that he had been asleep only for four hours. Of course it had been mainly because of the surgery that was performed for his knee but it didn't make it less odd. More so, if possible.

He grimaced at the wave of pain shooting trough the injured part of his body and couldn't help inhaling sharply.

"Ahh", he stated wordlessly and shook his head. It would have been nice to have JJ with him right now. Soothing him. Asking him if he was alright. Asking if he needed anything. Or Morgan. He would be even better. Morgan would talk to him and ask him about random statistics. He would laugh and keep telling him how he should get him a leash. Not that he would care about the statistics nor would really like to walk him like he walked Clooney, but just because he knew it would make it better. Just because he knew it would take his thoughts away from the pain.

"Don't be such a child Spencer!" he told himself angrily. They needed to be somewhere else. He wasn't the priority here. Hotch was. And it was selfish from him to think about himself like he did.

"I shouldn't be here", he mumbled and almost started to make an escape plan. Then he realized that escaping would be even more selfish. The others would have to fuss over him too. They would have to separate themselves between himself and Hotch. It would be unforgivable.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey again! And thanks again! Well, this one is little longer I suppose. It's also the last chapter I have completely written although the fourth is nearly ready. It will be even longer than this! **

**Once again, enjoy! **

Chapter 3

It wasn't until the next day the nurse told him he could go home.

"You want me to call someone to pick you up?" another, older and grumpier nurse asked him while he filled the papers she had handed.

"I'll take a cab", he answered slowly and then pushed the papers away. He wondered what he would do if the situation was any different. Probably Morgan would be there with him. He would drive him home and stay the night, uninvited of course. Other possibility was that he would take Reid to his home and make him stay until he was either pissed enough or recovered enough.

"All done", Reid then said and started to get down from the bed.

"Hold on a minute, cowboy. You may have been realised by the doctor, but I'm not going to see you walking with those crutches while we have perfectly good wheel chairs in the house", she exclaimed and made him sigh.

A minute later the nurse pushed Reid out of his room and into the elevator. She didn't talk a lot and neither did Reid. For once he just wanted to enjoy the peace and quiet.

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><p>The cab driver dropped him off to the street in front of his appartment. He thanked, payed and got out of the car. Slowly he made his way to the building's doors leaning heavily on the crutches.<p>

"This is ridiculous", he though angrily to himself when he reached the entrance. The usually simple task of opening the door seemed impossible with his hands full.

"How I'm going to survive with the groceries or whatever if I'm not even going to get inside!" he muttered aloud and was ready to kick his foot to the wall.

Luckily, or unluckily if you wanted to stay safe from your neighbours' eyes, he heard a soft voice calling for him from behind him.

"Hello, Doctor Reid. I didn't almost recognize you."

"Hey Mister Brown. Would you… umm... mind opening the door for me? Please?" Reid said his voice a little too quiet and almost – he realized bitterly – pathetic. He didn't want to raise his eyes from his shoes where his gaze had suddenly fallen. He didn't want to see his neighbour's pity or any other feeling that might be hiding his thick black moustaches and sweaty forehead.

"Sure. Can I ask you what happened? I mean, you don't have to answer me if you don't feel like it but I have to admit I'm little curious. It's not every day you see your neighbour with crutches. And I bet you hurt yourself... how do you say it? On the line of work...?" Brown continued too fast. Reid blinked his eyes hastily. This was going all wrong!

"Duty", he corrected softly and nodded his head hoping the door would eventually open. Preferably sooner than later. Not that he didn't like Mister Brown, but at the moment he liked no one. Not really.

"Yes, yes, duty of course", Brown stammered and made Reid sigh inwardly.

"I'm sorry mister Brown. I'm really tired. I can tell you that I hurt my knee on the field but I cannot tell anything else. Our missions are mostly secret and we're not allowed to spread the news. And it's also confidential. If I told you what happened you would just want to know things I can't share. Would you, please, open the door. I just want to get inside and go to sleep", Reid explained, forgetting all about his less-words-more-thoughts-day. When he finished he couldn't miss the hurt expression on Brown's face. The man tried eagerly to hide it behind a smile. For once Reid couldn't even come to care. Usually he felt easily bad for others, but this time he was far too busy feeling bad for himself.

"Of course. You should get inside and get some sleep", Brown mumbled searching his keys from his pockets. Once he got the beloved keys on the sight Reid felt his shoulders relax. The slight movement was nothing a common man would notice but Reid was sure none of his team members would miss such an obvious sign of released discomfort. And suddenly a wave of loneliness washed over him. Brown had luckily turned his back to him so Reid didn't feel so embarrassed when tears rose to his eyes. He quickly blinked them off and swallowed the thick feeling away from his throat.

"There you go", Browns stated opening the door and stepping aside so Reid could hop in.

"Oh, and by the way, the elevator is broken so you have to use the stairs. I'm sorry", he added stiffly and Reid couldn't fools himself to believe that Brown was truly sincere.

"Well, that's okay. You didn't break it, right?" Reid shrugged but cursed his bad luck secretly in his head. This couldn't possibly be happening. Not to him. Not right now. Not ever.

"Yes, true. But hey, if you need anything, just give me a call", Brown told him while he stumbled inside. Reid didn't even bother to glance back at the man to see he didn't really mean it. Reid had wounded him. No matter how stupid it sounded.

"Thank you. I will", Reid answered and before he knew it Brown had left him completely alone.

The quietness in the staircase was evident. Reid stared at the big evil monster in front of him feeling a sudden wave of pain and nausea hit him. He leaned heavily on his crutches again and hung his head down near his chest. He was never going to make it to the fourth. He was going to have to live in the lobby for the next six weeks or so.

"STOP!" he yelled suddenly to the empty room and let the bitter tears fall from his eyes. He didn't really want to spend his whole life feeling sorry for himself. He didn't want to be so selfish. He should be worrying about Hotch. He should be there with him. But somehow it was too hard to think about anything else than the pain in his knee. He closed his eyes and swung a little.

He then decided to get going. He needed to get back to his game.


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you again, for the reviews! It's so great to read them. **

**I have to apologize you though. I've been reading the others stories and checked the amount of the words and been a little dissapointed at myself. I know my chapters are short but I find it sometimes hard to write anything else since I think all I wanted to say is said. Well, I hope they will be longer in the end. **

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><p>Chapter 4<p>

Reid pushed the door open and it let out a weak squeak. Almost as weak as he felt. He was certain that if he didn't sit down soon – and by soon he meant five seconds – he was going to collapse to the ground and curl up in to a fetal position, no matter where he was. Deciding that he wanted to get inside before he was going to fall he hopped through the entrance and drew the door closed behind him.

"Home sweet home", he muttered numbly and hurried to the living room. He dropped to the couch and closed his eyes. The exhaustion was overwhelming. He hadn't noticed it before, but he was panting slightly. He tried to reason why, but soon found it impossible. He just didn't care. He simply didn't want to know.

He wasn't sure how long had he been sitting there. He had completely zoned out quite quickly thinking nothing particular. And when he came to he didn't understand what he was feeling. He usually wasn't that kind of guy who ate a lot, so he was truly surprised when the idea occurred to him. He was hungry. If he really thought it though, he had to admit that he hadn't eaten enough during the past few days. Considering that, it was no wonder he longed for food.

After gathering a little more strength he got up from the couch and stumbled to the kitchen.

In the fridge the light seemed to be quite lonely. It was accompanied only by a jar of orange juice and a single red apple. The freezer wasn't nearly as happy to look at since it held only two ice packs. The sight was disappointing, depressing even, although he should have been able to wait just for that. He hadn't had time to go to the store after all. He had planned to do that after the working hours the day before but all had gone wrong. Now he mentally kicked himself for forgetting. He didn't have any food and he was starving. A low moan escaped from his stomach and for a half second he thought of calling to Morgan and asking him to do some shopping for him.

But the thought was quickly pushed away by another one. A picture, where Hotch lay on the hospital bed, struggling to breath, bloody, crying… alone. He closed his eyes again. He didn't want to go there. He wasn't going to torture himself. Not more than he had to, that is.

Painfully he sat to the kitchen chair and glared at the black hole that had eaten all his food. For a while he wasn't sure what to do. His brain refused to co-operate when the pain in his knee worsened and cool chills ran up and down along his spine.

Maybe he should just bury himself alive. Maybe he should jump out of the window. Maybe he should take the knife and… no. It had been done to Hotch. He had been stabbed. It was bad enough that one of them was hurt. Really hurt, not like he was. His little wound was nothing. And for the first time after the accident he felt he had something right. He hadn't gotten that badly hurt thatthe attention, the attention that belonged to Hotch, would be directed to him.

Suddenly the hunger was gone. The empty feeling in his stomach was replaced with self-pity and hatred. Here he was. Thinking about himself while he was supposed to worry about someone else. But then again, why wouldn't he be thinking about himself, when no one else clearly did?

Slowly he got up and ruffled his hair. He glanced at the clock and decided that ten past seven was late enough to go to bed.

* * *

><p>He didn't really want to spend the night alone. To be honest, he didn't want to do anything alone, but he knew he had to. There was really no option. Slowly he made his way to his bedroom and leaned the crutches next to the bed. He wasn't planning to use the crutches in so small place, although he knew he shouldn't put any weight on his leg if wanted it to get better. Then he limbed around the room getting things he needed. Clothes and extra pillows. There was no way he was going to take a shower or a bath. He was far too tired for that. It would hurt no one if he cleaned himself up next morning. He was the only one in the apartment, after all.<p>

Rather angrily he tossed all he needed to his bed. Then he lifted his left leg up from the floor and hopped to his bedside. Hissing he lowered himself into a sitting position and buried his head in his hands. He wasn't still sure if he was going to make it. Not that his injury was life threatening – far from it – but he didn't know if he could handle the next couple of weeks or months. He knew it would automatically be better when he returned to work, but the only one thing uncertain made his life unpredictable; he hadn't heard when he was going to go back to work. It hadn't been decided yet.

Lifting his head he turned to his stare. He focused on glaring at the big awkward brace covering his trousers and keeping his knee together. He couldn't help but wonder how he was going to be able to change. He needed to get the thing off which he knew would hurt. A lot.

Gathering his will he crouched forward and started to loosen the brace. When the brace began to slide off he felt his knee shift. He cried out and grimaced as the pain flow around him. He gasped for air and grabbed the brace not allowing it to move more. Then he slowly lowered it keeping is knee on one position and breathing unevenly.

Once the brace was off he felt like he was going to faint. He closed his eyes and waited for the dizziness to go away. He didn't need it right now. He didn't want it.

Quivering he stood up using only his right leg and started to unbutton his pants. Then he dropped them and let them fall to the floor before sitting back at the bed. He winced. The next task would be the hardest. Probably. And maybe even hopefully. He was going to put his pyjama pants on. Taking them off would be far more pleasurable.

He started to think about all random statistics he knew about knee injuries and surgeries and was still counting when he rolled the pants sleeve up and slightly lifting his leg slid it on. He wanted to get his thoughts away from the pain, but couldn't quite fool himself. It was still there. It would always be there and never go away. Again he started panting. He promised himself that it would get better when the time went by. He was going to live through it and laugh afterwards. Undoubtedly with Morgan.

Putting the brace back on proved to be even more difficult and painful than taking it off. It was stiff and clumsy and would have been difficult to use in any situation, but the fact that even the smallest movement of his knee sent sparks through his whole body and made him eager to vomit, worsened the awful task. He took a deep breath before lifting his leg again and pulling the brace on. He debated himself, whether it was better to break the whole thing and throw it to the garbage bin or should he rather just take it back to the hospital and say he didn't want to feel the pain it caused.

Instead he decided it was worth the agony if he just could get back to the field someday. He bit his teeth together and fastened the brace on its place. He kept the cry in his throat even though he knew no one would hear it. Well, his neighbours would, but he had been crying at nights so many times after having a nightmare that it shouldn't intimidate them anymore.

When the pain subsided for a while he pushed himself off from the bed and again using only one leg he whirled around and rearranged the blankets and pillows and threw unneeded things to the floor without caring where they landed. Then he sat back and lifted his knee on to the pillows so that it was elevated and no pressure was put on it.

It was the only time Reid could consider himself lucky, when he lowered his body against the pillows. At least he was in his own bed. At least he didn't have to stay at the hospital like Hotch did. He didn't need the nurses fuzzing around him, asking brainless questions and giving him endless amount of smiles that told him how much they felt the pity when they watched him. He had been alone at the hospital so some of the nurses had been super sympathetic. He hadn't wanted it though. He had been too tired and too much in pain to answer any compliments they threw at him about his hair or any quiet 'I am sorry' whispers they thought made everything better. They didn't though. And he swore to himself that if he ever visited anyone at the hospital, he wouldn't tell them that everything would be alright when the pain was constant. He wouldn't tell them that the nightmares would go away. He wouldn't say that the ghosts would get smaller and eventually disappear. He wouldn't, because he knew better. Way better.


	5. Chapter 5

**I haven't written at all today and it feels weird. I finished this chapter yesterday and I have to warn you, it might take a while before the next one is up. I'm not sure where do I want to go from here. Well, we'll see. And thanks again for reviews and all. You give me motivation! :) **

**Enjoy! **

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><p>Chapter 5<p>

"Hey, Reid. Hold on. I'll call you back in twenty minutes. I have a little situation here. Okay? Don't go anywhere", Morgan answered hastily after the second ring and hung up before Reid could say a word.

"Yeah. You call back. I'll be fine. Couldn't go anywhere even if I wanted to", he sighed before taking the phone off his ear. He couldn't help feeling little hurt. Morgan hadn't even asked if he was alright or had he gone out of the hospital yet. Like it wasn't his to know. His hand travelled to his knee and he let out a heavy breath. Had he made a mistake calling Morgan? Had it been wrong? Had he interrupted something important? What was Morgan doing?

For a while he sat on the couch but then started to long for some music. Carefully he stood up and hopped on one leg towards his bookcase where he had his CD's and player. He almost crashed against the wall but was able to keep himself upright thanks to the help provided by his coffee table. He grimaced, but finally made it to his goal. He leaned a couple of seconds on the self, panting, something he had found himself doing a lot lately.

When he got his breathing under control he pushed himself away from the wall and searched for the one record he wanted to listen. Nothing would be like Beethoven. He needed classical music.

Quickly he grabbed the CD and started to open the jewel case when the wave of dizziness took over him and his fingers let the jewel case fall on the floor. It collided with the ground with a soft crack that escaped his ears. He was too busy to breathe and keep standing. He realized his blood sugar was probably low. He hadn't eaten or drunk anything but the apple and two glasses of orange juice. And it was two hours ago. Before that he hadn't eaten a whole lot of anything after the lunch in the hospital.

Just then the doorbell rang and he had to pull himself together. He took a deep breath – another thing he had found himself doing lately – and started to limb towards the door. He knew he was probably doing damage to his leg but he didn't have the strength or will to go and get the crutches.

Once he made it to the door he peeked out and saw a very familiar character behind the door grinning widely, although a hint of sadness was visible. He winced a little at the expression but hastily turned the worry down and tried to put up a happy face for his friend. He then pushed the door open and hopped a side to let Morgan in.

"Hey, man! Jeez, you look awful", the older agent greeted and drew the door closed.

"Yeah? Thanks a lot Morgan", he said with a half bitter tone and shook his head. Morgan glanced at him amused and then turned to eye his apartment. Reid didn't miss the slight frown on Morgan's face when he saw the broken jewel case, crutches leaning on the couch and the pained look on Reid's whole body.

"Why aren't you using those?" Morgan demanded pointing at the crutches. Reid swallowed and debated himself whether to snap at Morgan or just tell the truth.

"I… This… I… Umm… This place is too small. I mean it's just so hard you know… I kind of… I… Err…" Reid rambled and shot Morgan a glance that told the older man he was embarrassed and – what startled Morgan – afraid.

"Yeah, I know kid, but you got to know that you're just hurting yourself. And what is it with this place, huh? It's all messed up – your clothes and blankets on the floor in your bedroom, and that CD and… what is it man? You look like hell. And I know I already told you that, but you look like you haven't taken a shower or eaten anything for a week. Hey wait – when have you last eaten?"

Reid let the man go one and hopped back to the couch, sighing heavily. He dropped down and rubbed his aching knee under the brace.

"How's Hotch?" he asked softly letting the question hang in the air and swallowing the groan that tried to escape his mouth.

"He's… hey, hey! Don't even go there! I was talking about you. Right now, when we can't be here for you all the time you have to take care of yourself! You have to eat and wash up and all. It shouldn't be that hard now, should it? I'm sorry, but we have to help Hotch. He's the priority here. You know, he was hurt pretty bad. He could have died. And he lost his family; who knows for how long. I can't believe you could be so selfish!" Morgan snapped and his face didn't show the sadness anymore. It was pure anger. Reid's face went pale and his free hand clutched into a tight fist.

"I know", he answered with a low, defeated tone, "but guess what; I didn't really want this. I didn't take the bullet on purpose. I didn't ask to get hurt. And I definitely didn't break the elevator just so I had to use the stairs. And I swear I would have gone to the store if I had remembered I didn't have food and if I hadn't been too damned tired to go after getting home. And I would have taken a bath or a shower if I just hadn't been on the verge of passing out last night. And if I knew you were coming I would've cleaned up. You think I like this? You think I like using this? You think I don't want to be there for Hotch? You think I don't hate myself every second for not being there? For not being able to be there? You think I don't hate myself enough anyway?"

There was no anger, no rage, no sadness in his voice. It was hate and it was directed to himself, not to Hotch or to the countless unsubs, not even to Morgan. That was why the older man had to be angry at himself. He hadn't asked how he was doing, nor did he need help. He had run inside and started accusing his friend – his hurt, injured friend – for not doing enough. He had thought that Reid was just being stubborn. He looked at his young colleague. He looked sad and hurt and Morgan swore he heard his own heard breaking.

"I brought you food. Thought you could use some", Morgan said softly, sympathetically.

"Thanks", Reid muttered and asked Morgan to take them to the kitchen.

"I'll make you something. Could you come with me? I want to talk."

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><p>Reid sat on the kitchen chair following the traces on the table with his finger. Morgan was mixing the salad on the opposite side of the table. They hadn't talked, but the silence had been telling. They were both broken.<p>

"Why didn't you call when you got out of the hospital?"

Reid didn't raise his eyes, but shrugged.

"I don't know. I didn't want to bother you. I know how hard it is for you all. And you had to concentrate on Hotch. I didn't want to get on the way. And don't tell me I wouldn't have been a burden, because I know I am", he answered truthfully, not knowing what else to say.

"Reid…" Morgan started, but couldn't continue. He didn't know what to say. Not after what he had just told the kid. It was as good as yelling that he was a worthless piece of shit. At least to Reid. He didn't value himself enough. Not nearly enough.

"I know what you're about to say Morgan. Save it. I tell you, there will be a day when I need it more".

"You got it kid. Now, let's eat.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey everyone! Something happened when I was writing this(what is is call? A/N?) and now I have to rewrite it. Not cool.**

**Well, anyway. Thank you all, again! I am so thrilled when I see the reviews or find out that someone has put this story on alert or something. I'm not going to start answering all of the comments, although I really want you to understand how much they mean to me. I appreciate them soooooo much! **

**Another thing I wanted to say, was that this is not my first story. I think my first "statement" might have caused some misunderstandings so I decided to clear this up. I've been writing poems and stories about ten to eleven years(as long as I've been able to write, that is). I've been writing mostly in_ Finnish_ and only short fanfiction stories. I've been concentrating more on my original charachters really. This is my first real attempt on writing fanfiction story and first attempt on writing in English. And I have to tell you, writing in a foreing language is worth trying. **

**Then, I hope these chapters won't be too much alike, since I got a feeling I've written some things before(it might also have to do with the fact that I'm writing this first to the paper and then to the computer; some classes just are too boring). Also, I'd like you all to know, that I'm not trying to make anyone hate Morgan. I actually really like the character and his my favourite, after Reid of course. He just needs to be a little jerk here since this story wouldn't really be anything if he was with Reid all the time...**

**But finally, enjoy the 6th chapter!**

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><p>Chapter 6<p>

In half an hour they had finished their meal and Morgan started to do the dishes. They were chatting casually, although a little too formally. There was no teasing, no personal matters and most of all no brotherly love like usually. Reid had remained on the chair and kept fidgeting slightly while Morgan took over the household for a while.

"You… huh… going to need a hand with taking a bath?" Morgan questioned after a moments silent without turning to face Reid. The younger man felt his shoulders stiffen and made an effort to shrug.

"Well, I… uh… I was thinking about taking a shower instead, but…" Reid started, but was cut off by Morgan's cell phone ringing.

"Sorry. Hold that thought, will you?" Morgan said quickly grabbing his phone. Then he pressed the green button and raised the object against his ear.

"Hey, Prentiss. What's up?"

Reid glanced at the other agent, stood up, took his crutches and hobbled to the living room to give Morgan some privacy. He knew the person on the other side of the line was his team mate, his friend even, but he got the feeling that what came up might not be meant to his ears. He knew he wasn't always right, but usually had to do.

After two minutes Morgan came racing out of the kitchen.

"I have to go now. I'll see you later. Call me if… you know", Morgan announced on his way to the door. Once he was almost out of the apartment he turned around.

"Oh, and Prentiss told me to tell you, that you should call Hotch", he said grinning sadly.

"Why?" Reid asked confusion sneaking to his voice. Morgan couldn't help but stare the other man. How could that so called doctor, be so damned stupid? How was it possible that he didn't understand this simple thing? But just about when he opened his mouth and prepared to yell at his colleague Reid blinked his eyes and tilted his head.

"Don't get me wrong, but you know I'm not a good liar. Besides, you haven't exactly told him about this. Neither have you told me, what story I should hold on to", Reid explained, not wanting the other man to snap at him again.

"Oh. Well… We told him that you had to fly to visit your mother. That she was having a hard time and…" Morgan started, but his voice lowered when he saw the look on Reid's eyes. It was angry and betrayed.

"You told him what?"

Morgan opened his mouth and shut it again. You didn't need to be a profiler to tell that Reid was more than upset about the information. He was furious. That was clearly the last thing he wanted to hear.

"Get. Out", Reid whispered dangerously leaning further on his crutches. He hadn't sat down yet and wasn't really planning to either.

"Reid, I'm…" Morgan started but Reid shook his head, raised the other crutch and pointed at the door.

"Get. Out. NOW!" he all but yelled. A stunned look appeared to Morgan's face but he knew better than to argue with Reid when he was angry. He wasn't as good with words as the other man, and he knew that Reid would undoubtedly get the upper hand if they even started a contest with this. So he decided it was better to just disappear, so he threw a last sad look at Reid and stepped outside.

When the door was slammed shut Reid dropped the crutches against the couch and slumped down. He buried his head to his hands and wept like a child. How could they have done that? He was sure during the years he had made it pretty clear that he loved his mother. And he definitely didn't want anyone to use her as an excuse for him being away. She wasn't an object. And she would never be used again. Not if he had a word on that.

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><p>After sitting there in silence for a while he wiped the tears away from his cheeks and got up. Softly groaning he reached for his crutches and then started to move towards the kitchen. The doctor's warnings about not standing too much popped to his mind, but he turned them down. After all, he wasn't going to run a marathon, for god's sake. Besides, it wasn't probably so important to him. He was in good physical shape at least compared to most of the other normal people. He didn't believe that he would fall apart just by walking. Of course he understood that it would have been good to stay off of the injured knee, but in his situation it was kind of impossible. He needed to take care of himself. Right?<p>

Swiftly he stumbled to the kitchen, just to find out that Morgan hadn't in fact had time to finish his task. Reid sighed, although he should have waited for that. He should be glad that the water wasn't running, as it would have been quite Morgan-like.

With a defeated pace he made his way to the sink and washed the last plate, two forks and two knives. He found it little hard to be able to balance himself with only one leg available for use. So he leaned his middle section against the sink and moved the weight away from his left knee.

* * *

><p>Then after getting everything under control in the kitchen he moved to clean up the other rooms. He would show Morgan and everyone that he didn't need them. He would be fine all by himself.<p>

The task of tidying up turned out to be far more devastating than he had thought. He could move only couple of minutes at a time before the agony drove him close to collapsing. He was breathing heavily and he found his brain spinning around every foolish thought he could imagine.

"Gahh…" he spurted when he kneeled to collect the jewel case from the ground. He had his left leg in front of him in as comfortable position as he was able to put it, but he still wished Morgan had done a little more at his apartment before leaving. He wasn't going to make it if the pain didn't subside soon.

Suddenly he felt a great relief and found that he was able to get up. Slowly but surely he managed to push himself standing. He balanced his body, placed the CD back to the self, grabbed his crutches again and hobbled to the bedroom.

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><p>He sat on the bed and stared at the clothes he had spread all over the floor last night. He felt desperate. He felt weak. He felt lost. He let his eyes dart around the room and stop to the photograph he had attached to the wall. There they were. Hotch, JJ, Prentiss, Rossi, Garcia, Morgan and himself.<p>

It was the informal picture of the BAU team. The family. It had been taken the very same day than the professional, serious picture that was placed on the wall somewhere in the FBI building. In that "ruined" picture, they bought just for fun and just because they wanted to always remember each other, they had weird expressions and everyone looked surprisingly good.

JJ and Prentiss were standing shoulder to shoulder, giggling at something. Morgan's face was turned into a wicked, huge grin and Garcia had her arm around his shoulders. Rossi and Hotch were sitting in front of the others. Rossi had a confused expression and he had turned sideways so he was able to talk to the girls. Hotch was looking serious, stoic. Like he was made of steel.

Reid didn't bother to look at himself. He remembered the situation. He had been standing between JJ and Morgan. His best friends. He had had his arms wrapped around his middle section and he had had almost as huge grin as Morgan. Just a second before the shot had been taken he had glanced at JJ and he had felt the love filling him. He had been the luckiest man in the world.

He couldn't help but wonder, what had happened. Everything had been fine, at least as fine as it could be with all the cruel cases they had, but then there was Foyet, and Hotch's life had turned upside down. And no matter how he tried to look at it, he always came to the same conclusion: he had only made the things worse by getting hurt. Well, it was true that he hadn't really had any other chance. He couldn't have just let Doctor Barton jump to the bullet. It would have been foolish and quite mean. He's job was to save innocent people, after all. And he was pretty sure that it was what Hotch would have done too, if he had been there.


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey again! How are you doing? I was finally able to update(it really hasn't taken that long). This is probably the first or the second chapter I write directly to my computer. I don't have to go to school this week, so it had been weird to write this. **

**And once again, thank you for all your comments. I'm really waiting forward to hear what do you think about this chapter. **

**Enjoy! **

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><p>Chapter 7<p>

Cold water was falling on his head, dripping down along his curls and trying to push under his eyelids. The feeling was soft, satisfying and it ate the other feeling radiating from his knee. He didn't feel the pain when he sat on a high stool in the middle of his stall. He felt free and good for the first time after the accident. It was kind of a common theme that all the positiv feelings came back to him one by one and tried to replace the negative ones. It was slow process but it was happening.

Without thinking he rubbed his head. He was almost proud of himself for taking the stool with him to the shower. It was so much easier for him to get lost in thought when he didn't have his misjudgement, or rather his heroic deed, reminding about itself every five seconds.

He washed himself up with a soft smelling soap and after turning the shower off he pushed himself up. He stumbled out from the stall. He sat on the toilet and crouched to take off the wet brace that was still on his knee. Swiftly he dropped it to the ground and grabbed the other one he had got just so he didn't have to be without the brace too long and he still didn't have to use a wet one. That was the one thing he had agreed; he wouldn't take the brace off unless he had to change. They had offered him a wheel chair – never going to happen – or a stay at a some kind of centre that helped the federal agents to recover – also, never going to happen. So he had had to settle in the least uncomfortable choice. He hadn't really even considered the others, although he had to admit that in the centre his life would have been hell of a lot easier.

Changing the clothes wasn't really a pleasure, but he knew that when he got used to it, it wasn't going to be nearly as bad as it was in the beginning. Truth was, that he was still in the beginning and he couldn't block out the pain all the time. Only by pushing the thought in the back of his mind he was able to help his situation. But it wasn't much.

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><p>Once he got everything done in the bathroom he made his way to the kitchen and sat to the table, pulling paper and pen closer to him. He had brought them there right before he had gone to shower making sure that he would really do what needed to be done.<p>

Slowly he pressed the pen against the white paper and drew couple soft numbers and letters to the right corner of the sheet. Then he moved the pen a little lower and started writing with steady pace.

_Dear Mom, _

_How have you been? Have you been reading any interesting books? I know you have, just like you did when I was a kid. _

_I'm sorry I haven't written to you for a couple of days. I've been…_

There he paused. What could he say? He couldn't say he had been busy, she knew he was always busy, yet always found time to write. And he definitely couldn't tell that he had been hurt. She would freak out and terrorize the whole institution for the next three months. Well, it could have been a little exaggerated, but truthful enough. Could he tell that he had been feeling a bit down? No. That wasn't an option. It would make her feel bad for not being there with him. And that was the last thing he wanted.

…_little ill, lately. Nothing serious, though. I just caught a cold during the last case. I'm fine already. Don't worry about me. _

_I thought you might like to hear about the latest book I read…_

He kept writing several hours until the sheet was covered overall and he had gone out of the things he wanted to say. His handwriting was tiny and little scruffy but he knew his mother was going to be able to read it. She always was, unless she had one of her periods going on. Then they didn't even give the letters to her. They were otherwise occupied. And he understood it. And he feared it. It was possible, that one day he would be receiving letters from his children every day and sometimes not even knowing they really existed. The thought was devastating and he couldn't help but feel a wave of depression wash over him. His biggest wish was that he'd never end up like his mother, although he loved her deeply.

Slowly he put the letter in to an envelope he had written ready, closed it and decided to send it next day. He wouldn't leave the house that night anymore.

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><p>The nightmares. They were the worst part of being injured. The first night at home had been easier. He had been too tired to see any dreams, but this time was worse. The terrors didn't seem to leave him alone and all night he saw Hotch on the floor, bleeding to death, or Morgan yelling at him, telling that no one needed him, that they would be better without him.<p>

Throughout the night he woke up several times, screaming, panting, crying. And every time he wanted to pick up the phone and call someone, but he was too hurt to do it. He wasn't sure who did he want to talk to. Before the latest events it had been easy. Morgan. He was always ready to help and ready to be there for him. Now he was too tired and too stressed out to even listen to him. So, no. Morgan wasn't an option.

If the situation had been any different he would have tried to reach Hotch. He was the second one on his list of helpers. But in this case, even Hotch wasn't an option. He had too many things to worry about, without his lousy nightmares that had made so many people's life miserable. Or was it just him?

Then of course, JJ and Prentiss. They might be understanding, or at least JJ would, but he wasn't sure if he was ready to forgive just yet. They had lied about his mother! But they had done it for Hotch's best. Maybe he shouldn't think it was such a big deal. Maybe he should call Morgan and tell him he was sorry. Should he?

Making a hesitant decision he took his phone and dialled to a one friend he knew he would get comfort from. Or at least someone to talk to.

"_I hope you're feeling really miserable right now. Do you have any idea what time it is? You have just interrupted the sweetest dream I've ever had. So what is it?"_ the sleepy, yet hard voice answered and he couldn't help but wince at the annoyed tone.

"Garcia?" he whispered softly, as if he wasn't sure who he had called to.

"_Reid? That you? I'm so, so, so sorry I snapped at you. Are you alright?" _

"Yeah. It's okay. And I don't know. I… this is stupid… I just. I keep having these stupid nightmares and I kind of needed someone to talk to. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have bothered you. It's over midnight. You were sleeping. I… I'm sorry", he mumbled and threw his hand over his eyes. He held in the sob and swallowed thickly.

"_Reid, hey, it's alright. You want me to come over or something? I mean, would you like to have company? Do you need something?" _she asked and he didn't miss the soft, caring, pitying tone in her voice.

"No, it's okay. You don't have to come. Just talk with me, will you? Tell me that Hotch's alright and Morgan doesn't hate me. Please?" he pleaded and rubbed his face with so much force that if Garcia had seen that she would have been afraid of the face wearing out.

"_Oh, my young genius. Everything is going to be fine. Hotch will be out of the hospital in no time and he'll be… He'll be okay. And Morgan. He could never hate you. He loves you more than any of those giggling girls he has been with. Not in the same way, but you belong to his family. Don't you ever dare to doubt that",_ she reassured and made the tears roll over Reid's face. He couldn't answer.

"_Honey, you still there?" _

Reid swallowed yet again and nodded, forgetting she couldn't see him.

"Yeah", he answered quietly after couple of minutes and then the silence took over again. Garcia waited for him to say something, but when it was clear that his thoughts were somewhere else she sighed.

"_Reid, I hope you know that we'll all proud of you. You saved a man's life. You should not feel ashamed of it. You didn't choose to get shot that day. And you certainly haven't been a burden to anyone, except for yourself. You need to learn how to ask for help. We can't be there for you, if we don't know how to do it, and you're the only one who knows. We love you so much". _

"Love you too", was the answer, barely above a whisper and it made the tears rise to her eyes. She didn't like the pained tone he had, nor did she like to know that he was hiding his emotions, again. Just like he had done after everything bad that had happened. After Tobias, and after the anthrax.

"_Try to get some sleep, baby boy. And if there's anything you want to talk about, just call. I'm always there for you. You know that, right?"_ she said gently and he nodded again.

"Thank you, Garcia. You're always so good to me. Sorry I woke you up. Sleep well", he told her and hung up abruptly before she even had an opportunity to answer. Then he put the phone away and buried his head in his hands. He let the tears fall freely, without really knowing why was he crying. It made no sense, but it was something he had to do. It made him feel better.

When the floods of tears slowed down he lowered himself against the pillows and closed his eyes. The sleep was mostly restless, but partly it really did him good.


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey guys! Thank for your reviews again. **

**This chapter will be little shorter than the couple of others before, but it would have been stupid to put any other scenes to it. Or at least that's what I think. ****I have couple of ideas for the next chapters and I really can't wait to writing them. Haha.**

**Enjoy!**

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><p>Chapter 8.<p>

Doctor Spencer Reid wasn't really a man who wanted to question authorizes or even his friends. It was the facts and statistics he questioned, if they didn't seem to be right. But this time, without caring that he had agreed to something else and knew his friends wouldn't be too happy about his decision, he had to act against his better knowledge. Or, at least, against their pact.

He felt his heart racing like never before when he stopped outside of his room, staring through the window. It couldn't be him in the bed. Not that small, tired, fragile creature. It couldn't be him. It had to be a joke, a weird, miserable trick his mind was doing. It had to be, even though he really did hate the tricks.

He wasn't sure if he would ever be able to bring himself to enter the room. His legs didn't want to move. Neither did his arms, for that matter. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. He bit his lip and leaned even more heavily to his crutches. If he was going to break he had to do it now. It wouldn't work inside of the room. The situation being what it was, freezing in the middle of the conversation wasn't really an option. It would drag the attention to the lies he was going to tell. And there was no way the other man would miss them then if it all went wrong like that.

He needed to be ready. He hardened himself for what he was going to face, sucked in air between his teeth and knocked the door softly.

It wasn't completely surprising that Hotch hadn't noticed him standing outside of his room. He had been way too busy thinking about his son and his ex-wife to care about anything else. But when he recognized the young, tall man entering his room he couldn't help but feel a small wave of comfort. He wasn't forgotten.

"Hey, Hotch", Reid greeted gently and made his way to sit in the chair next to the bed. He leaned the crutches against the chair's arm and tilted his head. He tried to figure out what Hotch was thinking. He wasn't sure if it was because his profiler self was kicking in, or because he was worried about his friend.

"I'm sorry", he whispered, letting his eyes dart over the hospital sheets. He didn't want to look at the man's eyes, but felt it necessary. If the things were normal, he wouldn't avoid the eye contact, but wouldn't hold it long either. So he just briefly locked eyes with his boss before he pursed his lips together.

"Umm… How're you?" he asked swallowing the thick feeling off from his throat.

"Fine. What are those for?" Hotch mumbled stiffly indicating the objects beside his subordinate. Reid couldn't fail hearing an odd tone in his voice, but couldn't quite place it either.

"It's… umm… It's kind of embarrassing actually. I left my apartment the other day and tripped over in the stairs. I twisted the knee and… well, somehow it got dislocated. And now I need these, because the doctor told me not to walk with it", he lied shrugging. He was surprised how easily the lie had come. He glanced at Hotch just to see that he was eyeing him with the smallest amount of disbelief.

"Yeah? And how's your mom? I heard you went to see her", Hotch asked and made Reid flinch at the frighteningly dangerous voice.

"Oh… umm… It… I… I didn't go. Umm… It was a lie. I said that so you wouldn't worry too much. Or the others. They didn't know about this. Not until yesterday, that is. I had to tell them. I'm sorry. I just…" he explained and let his voice trail of. Here he was again. Telling the lies he didn't want to tell. This one was the nicer one though, due to the fact that he was partly telling the truth. It had been a lie, after all, that he had went to visit his mom. He was just making something else up to save the others, because no matter what he didn't want Hotch to feel betrayed by all of them.

Hotch didn't say anything. His face was blank and there was hardly any emotion. Reid blinked slowly. He needed to change the subject so that he would be safer. And so that Hotch would be safe.

"Umm… How are you really doing? I mean, I know I already asked, but you can't think I would just drop it there", he questioned and rubbed his knee. It was starting to ache and he could only hope that Hotch would be too focused on something else to care about him.

"How do you think? I get stabbed – multiple times. My family is taken away. The man who did this is still out there. And I'm lying here unable to do anything. How do you think I'm doing, huh?" Hotch answered losing the danger from his voice. Now it was filled with anger and disappointment. Reid wasn't sure if it was directed to him or not, but he couldn't help but wincing.

"And then there's you. Asking how I'm doing after you tell me that you have just lied to me. Real good thing to do, doctor. At least you don't pity me like the rest of you. You know, I would give anything right now if I could be walking and trying to catch this guy. I would give anything. I would have thought that you had the decency to be working. You have a one brilliant mind and I think that you of all people could catch Foyet. But no. You have decided to stay at home and do nothing!" Hotch snapped. Reid's eyes widened and he swallowed again, holding the tears back. Fortunately he was successful. The machine on the left side of Hotch's bed started beeping and his face crunched up in pain.

"Get out", he hissed through his teeth glaring at Reid while two nurses came rushing in. Reid hung his head in defeat and pushed himself up carefully, trying not to get in the nurses' way.

"I'm sorry Hotch", he whispered when the other one of the nurses shouted for him to leave the room. He wasn't sure what had just happened, but it couldn't be anything nice.

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><p>He stepped out of the elevator, keeping his gaze on the floor and still trying not to sob when he heard a familiar voice calling for him.<p>

"Spence? It's so good to see you! How are you? What are you doing here? I thought we…"

"JJ, please. I told him I had fallen in the stairs. I said it was dislocated. And I told him that me visiting my mother was a lie. I also said that I lied to you too. So you had no idea what had happened to my knee before yesterday. Okay? Try to hold on to that story. And by the way, never use my mom as an excuse anymore. Got it?" he answered roughly and stepped aside so that their paths didn't cross. JJ looked at him in surprise and he could tell she was hurt. Hurt, by him.

"Reid… What… I… I'm sorry", she tried, but he shook his head.

"No. Don't be. You did what you had to do for Hotch's sake. Oh, and something happened to him. He was quite upset and the nurses told me to leave. I hope you have better luck with him", he said little coldly and then kept moving forward. Prentiss, Rossi and Morgan had stopped on their tracks few feet behind JJ and were staring at the scene confused.

"Rossi. Prentiss", he stated simply passing them with a nod. He didn't even glance at Morgan. He wasn't sure if he could ever forgive the man, even if he had only been the messenger.


	9. Chapter 9

**Hey! Thank you again! **

**I really am surprised for this succes :) In the first place I was little afraid that my English would be barely understandable, but apparently it's good enough for you to read it, although I know my vocabulary is quite constricted. If you want to help me to boost my self-confidence or just complain about my poor writing skills, feel free to comment not only the story, but also the way I write. :D **

**Well, enjoy! (The next will be the 10th chapter!)**

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><p>Chapter 9.<p>

Two days after the incident with Hotch, Reid found himself sitting in a cab, his mind traveling somewhere it shouldn't have been. He felt lost and lonely. He had been home without any contact to the world outside after he had left the hospital. JJ, Morgan and Garcia had been calling, but he had buried himself under the blankets and hidden himself from everything. He had eaten, he had taken a shower, but all he had done he had done like he was dream walking.

It wasn't that he felt hungry at the moment. It really wasn't that he _wanted _to eat. But he knew his fridge was going to be empty in the matter of days and he shouldn't cause any more trouble to anyone. So he was headed to the store to get something. He didn't even think of asking someone to help him. He was welling in his self-pity and knew that he was being childish. They didn't want to hurt him. They had done everything because it was necessary and because – he realized – he had asked them to. He had told them not to tell Hotch about his injury and now he was angry at the others for doing like he had wanted them to. He couldn't help but feel stupid.

The cab driver merely dropped him off in front of the supermarket and took his money. He was sure that he would be broke before he got rid of the crutches. Or then he would have to use a bus. Actually, it could be a real smart idea. There would be people, yes, but it might not be so big sacrifice after all.

He stumbled to the store and took the cart. Swiftly he lifted the crutches on and leaned on the cart, trying to use his left leg as little as possible. He all but hopped around the rows of the shelves searching for foodstuff he needed. Milk, apples, orange juice, some convenience food to put to the oven and maybe even some bread and cheese.

He collected quite a few sad looks towards him and one or two disgusted faces, although he wasn't sure what he had done wrong. Old ladies passed by him greeting gently and one even reached up to pat his shoulder. He couldn't help but think that they saw him as a kid and he realized that Gideon had in fact been right introducing him as "doctor". If these women kept glancing at him like he was a cute little baby with a scratch in his elbow, how could anyone at the bureau show him any respect at all?

He gritted his teeth and continued shopping. He tried to keep it light and healthy, not wanting to gain too much weight during his recovery. His mom would probably give him a lecture about not eating enough, but he didn't care. He had never been fat and he was perfectly happy with his size, although he sometimes compared his body to Morgan or Hotch's. And every time he had to confront the fact that he wasn't nearly in as good shape as the two were.

He stopped to look at the end of one shelf checking the prices of the orange juices. He had been thinking about drinking less coffee and had tried to replace it with juice instead. There was really no need to tell that it hadn't worked, but he had developed a mild addiction to his daily glass of juice. No one knew about it really. His team had seen him with the yellow liquid many times, but the truth was that they didn't think about it. For once he was normal, like the others.

He crouched down and grabbed the bottle he wanted. Suddenly he heard a yell and felt something colliding with his right leg. His hand let the bottle lose and it contacted with the floor crashing loudly. He lost his balance and unwisely tried to steady himself by thumping his left leg against the floor. The blinding pain exploded in his braced knee and he couldn't old in a cry that erupted from his lips.

It was hard for him to regain the control of his body. He had almost collapsed and had remained standing only because he was able to get a hold of the shelf next to him. He had been smart enough not to lean on the cart which would have probably just rolled off. Despite the fact that he hadn't really fell, he found his whole body aching and shaking. He tried to gasp air into his lungs. He felt like he was drowning and he had to use all his strength and will to stay upright. He would have sworn he had heard something crack inside of his knee and that, if something startled him. He was sure he could never walk properly again.

"Oh my dear boy. Are you alright? Do you need help?" asked some old lady wearing a huge purple hat. She took a strong hold of Reid's arm and hauled him off from the shelf. Reid didn't have time to shy away from the touch so he had pretty much no other choice than to stumble to his feet – or foot in his case.

"Umm… than you, ma'am. I… I appreciate your concern, but I'm fine", he stammered and twisted his mouth into a crooked smile. The old lady glanced at him narrowing her eyes worriedly, but dropped the case and started to move away.

The smile faded from young agent's face and turned into a grimace which he quickly hid when he spotted a little boy looking at him with horrified eyes. Reid swallowed and placed a plastic smile on his face.

"I'm sorry if I scared you. Are you alright? You got any scratches or bruises?" he asked gently, tilting his head.

"No, sir. I'm okay, sir. I'm sorry I ran into you, sir. I hope your leg won't have to be amputated now", the boy said almost whispering and turning his eyes to the ground like he was ashamed. He clearly hadn't wanted to hurt anyone.

"I'm happy you're fine. And I can assure you that my leg will be just fine", Reid answered softly. He kept wondering where had "the Reid-effect" disappeared, but soon he realized that the kid was visibly intimidated. He couldn't tell why, though. He wasn't really the most threatening looking man. Still, children didn't seem to be afraid of Hotch, Morgan or even Rossi. Maybe it was the way he stood, or the way he smiled. How did he smile? Was it creepy? Swiftly Reid washed the ideas off from his head and turned his focus back to the conversation he was having.

Suddenly a young, pretty looking woman appeared behind the boy and placed a protective hand over his son's shoulder.

"Did something happen here? Derek?" she asked looking down at his son. Reid felt his heart jump at the name, but didn't let it show. The name wasn't so uncommon that he would have had any excuse for his surprise. He turned his eyes to the boy opening his mouth, but Derek was quicker.

"I ran into him and he almost fell. I did, but I didn't hurt myself", he told his mother with bright voice. He looked up twisting his neck and smiled at her.

"Oh? I'm so sorry, mister. I've told him like hundreds of times that he _mustn't _ran inside, but you know the kids. They never do as they're told. Are you alright? I can imagine it must be painful to fall with your… umm… injury", she said sweetly, smiling soft, sad smile that fitted perfectly for her face.

"It's fine. I'm not going to be in any worse shape I already am", he answered smiling, although he couldn't miss the thought that told him there was something wrong. He knew that when he had the brace on his knee shouldn't be able to twist at all, but it in fact just had. And the pain wasn't going away. It just kept radiating along his leg and occasionally even reaching his eyes and blurring his vision. He blinked and focused back to the young woman in front of himself.

"Well, I really want to make this up to you. Do you need help with your groceries or a ride home or something? And I can certainly pay for that bottle. You wouldn't have dropped it if my son here hadn't pumped into you so…" she explained and smiled again. Reid swallowed and nodded.

"I… umm… I'm pretty much ready here, so no need to help me or anything. And I can pay that. It was my fault, since I stood in the middle of…"

"No! Of course it wasn't your fault. And I _will_ pay for that. And then I'll give you a ride. No you just need to come with me. We're ready too", she told him strongly, leaving no place for argument.

"Well, fine then", Reid shrugged and then thanked her for her kindness. He couldn't help but think that maybe there were still some nice people in the world after all.


	10. Chapter 10

**Hey guys! **

**I hope that you didn't have to wait for too long. In the future I might update little slower, since I started driving lessons(I'll turn 18 in January) and I have couple of exams to study for. Lot to do!**

**Anyway, thank you for your reviews and for reading this. Knowing that ther!e's someone there that is interested in my writing, makes me so happy! **

**ENJOY!**

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><p>Chapter 10.<p>

A day after the unfortunate incident in the store he found himself sitting in his couch, propping his bad leg up and eating Tylenol every three hours. He couldn't say that he wasn't worried about getting cravings for Dilaudid or developing a new addiction – which was quite unlikely to happen, since he wasn't taking any strong medication – but he had to do something in order to ease the pain. It wasn't like he would fall for the narcotics again anyway.

It had been hard for him to cope with the aspects of everyday life. He could stay up only couple of minutes at a time and then he had to sit down for several moments before he could stand again. Making food was not an option. He was barely able to put something to the oven and then take it off. It killed him to be so helpless. He hadn't even thought of taking a shower or a bath. The task seemed to be way too big. Luckily he had showered himself just before he had left to the store, so it wasn't a bad thing to skip getting in to the bathroom for a while.

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><p>He was lying on his couch reading a big encyclopaedia to take his mind off from the throbbing of his leg when he suddenly heard a knock from the door. For a second he debated whether he should open the door or not, but then decided to go. Groaning he put the book down and started to push himself up slowly.<p>

"Spence?" a voice, another knock.

Reid grimaced, took his crutches and hobbled to the door. He wasn't sure if he wanted to open and let his friend in, but he decided to be nice for once. He could even tell how sorry he was.

"Spence?" she called again, impatiently. Reid couldn't help but moan softly. He would have thought she would understand it wasn't easy to walk with the crutches. He couldn't really reach the door in two seconds – or walk in a normal speed, for that matter – not even if he wanted to.

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><p>JJ didn't waste time once he got the door open. She jumped in to hug him and he felt her sob against his shoulder.<p>

"JJ…" he mumbled trying not to shake too much. He wanted to rub her back, comfort her, make her feel better, but he needed to sit down. He felt like his right leg was about to give up due to the weight put on it and the awkward position he was in.

"JJ? I need to… need to sit", he grunted. She backed away suddenly, eyes gleaming. Reid smiled at her apologising and moved to the living room where he sat down making a face of discomfort. JJ bit her lip and followed him. Hesitantly she sat down next to him and checked him up worriedly.

"Spence… I… you… Are you okay?" she asked quietly, placing a hand on his thigh and held it there, despite the wince she earned from him. Reid turned his face to her and smiled sadly. He debated himself whether to lie or not. He didn't want to upset her, but it didn't matter what he would do. She would be sad anyway. Besides, if he said he was fine, she would know. She was a profiler, for god's sake!

"No. I don't think I am", he answered stiffly and lowered his gaze to the pillow between them. He felt JJ shift. He was sure she was waiting for him to continue. She waited for an answer. And he would have to give it.

"I… I feel so stupid, you know. I've treated you all like you were idiots, but I wanted you to. I asked you not to care about me. I asked you not to tell Hotch about me getting shot and…" he rambled and his voice started to shake. He rubbed his face with his hands and was starting to continue talking, when JJ spoke.

"No Spence, don't say that. You shouldn't blame yourself. You've done nothing wrong and I can't believe we have been so thoughtless against you. I hope you'll be able to forgive us. I know we should have been here for you as we always promise to be, but we've had so much to think about. It's not much of an excuse, but I hope you understand".

She looked like she was going to cry and that was the one thing he wasn't sure he could handle. It would make it obvious. He had hurt her more than she had hurt him.

"JJ, I'm sorry. I was so mean to you back at the hospital. I didn't want to be. I'm just so… torn… right now. I feel like I'm not doing enough. Do you know what Hotch told me? He said that he thinks_ I _would be able to catch Foyet. And that I didn't care enough to work and help you catch him. He practically said that I didn't care about _him_. I don't know what to do JJ. I think I've made too many bad decisions. And to be fair, I just keep making worse all the time!" he mumbled, his shoulders starting to shake and silent sobbing slowly taking over his body. He buried his face into his hands and tied not to cry aloud. JJ moved her hand from his thigh and placed it to his back rubbing it softly. He had to admit that he had missed her touch. Missed it terribly.

They sat quietly for some time, he trying to calm himself down and she trying to figure out what she should say.

"I'm sorry too. I don't know why I said you were with your mom. I should have known it was out of the line, but I just couldn't think what else to say. It was cruel and you didn't deserve that. We should have figured out something else. Well, I should have, since I was the one telling him. You belong to our family. And we didn't forget it. I wish we had done some better calls and I hope we can make it up to you", JJ explained, her voice soft and quivering, her eyes filled with tears once again.

Reid couldn't draw his eyes way from her and he swallowed thickly. He couldn't think what to say so he simply leaned forward and wrapped his arms around her. It was way easier without the crutches, although changing the position made the throbbing in his leg increase. He ignored it, though. He had no need to think about it right there, right then.

They cried against each other's shoulders and neither of them knew how long they stayed there, or how long did they want to stay there. But in the end, holding someone dear near, was the best cure for the ache they were both feeling.

* * *

><p>They were standing at the door. He was leaning on his crutches, tilting his head to the side and staring at her. She looked at his eyes and smiled. The smile was warmer and more genuine than it had been in the past week. Things were turning out to fairly well.<p>

"It was… good seeing you JJ. This meant a world to me. Thank you for coming over", he told her drawing a stiff smile across his face. He was starting to feel dizzy and knew there was no way he could have gone to the hospital with JJ to see Hotch. He wasn't too steady on his feet and now the exhaustion was really taking over him.

JJ watched him wearily and tilted her head imitating his posture.

"Are you okay? You're looking a little pale", she stated simply. He snorted smoothly and shook his head.

"Yeah, I'll be fine. It's just my leg… I…" he started, but the words quickly faded away when he stumbled to stay standing.

"Reid!" she screamed and hopped forward to steady him. The look of worry was evident when she placed a hand on his arm and guided him carefully back to the living room. She sat him on the couch and squatted in front of him.

"Spence? What's going on? Are you alright?" she asked becoming distressed. He swayed a little even in the sitting position and breathed hard. He glanced at JJ massaging his knee and shook his head again. He sighed and started to explain the events of the past few days.

"You didn't go and see a doctor? You know you should have!" she told him when he was done.

"Yeah, I know. I just thought that it would be better after a while. I didn't think anything bad really happened. And I have an appointment in two days so I'll talk to the doctor then. Now I think I need to get it up. It helps a little", he explained and smiled trying not to look like he was made of plastic.

"I'll get you some Tylenol and ice to put on it", she told him, stood up and disappeared to the kitchen.

He sighed relieved. Maybe everything was going to be normal.

* * *

><p><strong>I just wanted to say, that this did not come out as I hoped. This was a bit of a disappointment although I waited for it actually. Well, anyway I hope no one will stop reading the story after this chapter. I'm not so good with the emotional stuff but I just wanted things to get a little better for Reid. At least for couple of days or so. :)<strong>


	11. Chapter 11

**Hey! Than you for all the reviews and reading and stuff. And I'm sorry that it took this long to update, but I think you'll be happy to hear that this is actually the longest chapter so far... I'm beginning to feel little proud of myself. **

**Well, enjoy!**

* * *

><p>Chapter 11.<p>

Waiting. It wasn't something Doctor Reid was particularly good at. At least not when he was tired and hurting. And not when he knew he was about to hear whether he was going to get rid of the stupid brace in next month or next ten years.

He leaned his back against the wall and held his left hand absently on his injured knee. He had thought of grabbing some magazine from the shelf, but had dismissed the idea knowing that he would have to change it every thirty seconds or so, and that he would probably know everything said there already.

He had to admit that although he was in a quiet side of the hospital, just the thought of being there sent his mind flying across the walls. He felt trapped. He couldn't get out – or he wouldn't. He knew that no matter how miserable the location made him feel it would make it all better by the end of the day. Hopefully. They couldn't take the pain away. He wouldn't even try to fool himself like that, but nevertheless, knowing if there was something wrong, would truly give him some solace.

He tried not to listen to the voices echoing in the white corridor and closed his eyes in order to block the view off as well. There was no real reason for that, other than the depressing feeling he gained every time a crying child was carried past him. It was almost ridiculous, but he didn't care. Every man had his own weird things.

* * *

><p>It was only a matter of minutes, but for him it felt like hours. When he finally heard someone approaching him he felt stiff and awkward.<p>

"Doctor Reid? It's your turn. My name is Mike. Now, would you please follow me? Doctor Morrow will be with you shortly. She told me to take you to her room already".

Reid opened his eyes at the use of his name and blinked rapidly, trying to adjust to the light again. Then he nodded and started to lift his protesting body off of the chair. The nurse stood watching him and seemingly debating whether he should offer his help or not. Reid glanced at the man with a stern look that told there was no need to help him at all. Mike backed away slightly and bit his lip shyly.

"Alright then. Come with me, please", the nurse said firmly when Reid was finally on his feet and ready to move. He obeyed easily and started to stumble forward. Mike glanced at him for a couple of times worriedly, like making sure that he really was coming. He resisted the urge to sigh, when he noticed the third intense gaze that was directed at him. Instead he flashed a somewhat awkward grin. He just didn't want to answer any stupid question he saw written across the nurse's face.

"Alright, here, please", Mike said after a while, stopping in front of one new-looking door, opened it and let him hobble in.

"You can sit down on the bed or the chair, whatever you like best. Although, I suggest you to take the bed, since you will have to move there soon anyway", he told him, but shut his mouth quickly seeing Reid's stoic expression.

"Thank you, Mike. I think I'll be fine. I can take it from here", he told the other man, who nodded desperately.

"I can assure you, I'm not going anywhere. And if I was, you'd be able to catch me before I make it the half way away from this room. I'm actually pretty slow with these things, believe it or not".

"Sure, yeah. I didn't… I didn't think you would… Sorry… Umm… Please, wait here. Doctor Morrow will come in any minute now", Mike stuttered before backing out of the room and Reid couldn't help but feel a little sorry for him. He remembered how he used to be just as insecure, and how long way he had come to be even as confident as he was now, which wasn't much.

Slowly he made his way to the bed and climbed on it with an effort that made a sweat rise to his forehead and his knee start throbbing again.

* * *

><p>It didn't take long for Doctor Morrow to show up. She was tall, young and pretty. She had a gentle smile that reminded him of the one of JJ's. Somehow every smile seemed to bring one of his best friends to his thoughts. Maybe it was just because he had always relied on her smile. Whether the times were happy or dark, she always managed to make him smile too, and give him all the strength he needed. No, not all of it. There were times that JJ just wasn't enough. Times, when he needed another man to talk to him. Times, when he needed Morgan more than anything. And now he knew that only one person could fill the empty feeling inside of him. He needed his teasing, his kind words, and his stupid grin. He needed his brother to be with him. And he had pushed him away.<p>

"Hello, Doctor Reid. It's good to see you. How have you been holding up?" the woman asked. Her voice was soft and sweet and he found himself smiling carefully at her.

"I don't really know", he answered. Not exactly the truth, but not a lie either. Doctor Morrow looked at him suspiciously, tilting her head to the side.

"Would you… hmm… care to explain what you mean? I think it would be best, if I knew, at least if it has anything to do with your leg. Of course you don't have to tell me, if you don't want to, but sometimes talking helps", she said with a low tone and flashed a sad smile towards him.

"Yeah… Well, there's been quite a lot of things actually", he answered after a seconds of silence and glanced at the woman, before turning his eyes to his lap, where his left hand was picking his shirt sleeve. It was hard to decide whether to share the whole story, parts of it or nothing. He knew he could trust that everything he told would be kept safe with the woman, but he wasn't sure if he was ready to open up just yet.

He looked at her again swallowing and biting his lip nervously before he sighed and started telling everything that had happened after he was released. He told about Hotch, Morgan, JJ and the rest, though leaving the names out. He told about the nightmares, the pain. He recalled the crack in his leg in the store and told about it, seeing that Doctor Morrow's face went little pale at that. He left out the lonely feeling that had built walls inside of him, knowing that they didn't really matter anything to her. She wasn't a psychologist or anything, not that he thought he needed one.

When he was finished she stayed quiet for a moment that felt like an eternity to Reid. He was sure there would be rough words, her telling him that he should have done things differently and he was getting ready to fight. He was going to tell her that she didn't have to make him feel miserable, because he knew very well how to do it himself, and that he knew he had made some serious mistakes and he would never be able to make them all better. But in what the Doctor said next, there was no such thing. She didn't want to make him feel bad and she definitely didn't.

"Doctor Reid… May I call you Spencer? Anyway, I see that you've been through quite a hell the last couple of weeks. And I'm sorry for that. I don't really know what else I can say, but I hope that it helped you to get it off of your heart. Now, I'd like to take a look at that knee. That crack you told me about has made me a little worried. I hope it's nothing bad, but we need to be sure. I'd like to take some x-rays and check if there's any swelling or anything else we should be worried about. It's mainly just a routine check", she explained. Reid shifted slightly, but didn't say a word. He just nodded in agreement, knowing that she wanted only his best. At least at the time being.

* * *

><p>It took about an hour, before he found himself back in the Doctor Morrow's room. He was fully clothed now, unlike he had been during the examination. His knee felt out of place and he was sure if there hadn't been any swelling before, there would now be. Doctor Morrow and couple of nurses – luckily not Mike – had been poking and prodding his leg gently, trying not to turn it too much. He had been lying down, flat on his back, and squeezing the mattress in pain. The feeling had been blinding. He had been offered to have something to ease the pain, but he had refused taking it. There was no need to make the world see even more grey and sad.<p>

Doctor Morrow entered the room with a file in her hand. There was an apologetic expression on her face and he knew everything wasn't right.

"Doctor Reid, we have managed to do all the tests now. I'm sorry to announce you, that your knee has in fact been damaged during these last couple of weeks. I suppose you haven't really been resting too much?"

He had shame written all across his face and he turned his eyes away. He knew he had done too much, but he also knew there had been no other choice. Softly he shook his head and heard Doctor Morrow sigh.

"I hope you now understand, how extremely important for you it is to stay off of that foot as much as possible. I'm not saying this, because I want to blame you for anything, but you need to know these things. And you need to understand", she explained firmly, turning the pages in the file.

He nodded in agreement. He truly understood.

"Now, I wouldn't like to recommend a surgery just yet. I'd rather look first, how it's going to go. I'm going to give you more strict orders so stay in the bed or something and I will write them down for you", she continued, making him shrug. He knew he didn't need the paper after the first time, but there was probably no use telling her that.

"Now, I would like to know, if you have someone to live with. Right now it would be best for you not to do any extra chores or anything. In case you live alone and you have no one to stay with, I can also send you to the rehabilitation centre. We have a really good one just a couple of miles outside of the city."

His face went pale. He hated the idea of going in to some kind of centre. It would make him feel too much like her mother. He would never want to end up like her. On the other hand the other alternative wasn't really good either. JJ and Garcia were pretty much the only ones of the team who he could think of staying with. Rossi was too distant, Prentiss had her own little things, JJ had Henry and Will and Garcia had a small place. Morgan. They hadn't talked after the other man had visited him. He couldn't ask him to do such a big favour for him.

"I think I'll take your offer and… go to the… to the… umm… centre", he answered. There was hesitation in his voice, but he wasn't sure if Doctor Morrow missed it or not. He rubbed his face in disbelief and swallowed. There was a thick feeling in the back of his throat.

"Very well. Do you think you could move there right away? Our taxi will be driving there today and I would like to see you there as soon as possible. Do you have someone who could get you some clothes and your personal things in three hours? You could rest here…" she said and trailed off when she saw him nodding once again.

"I just need to make a call", he answered quietly wiping the tears from his eyes before they were even visible.

"Of course. I'll give you some privacy", the Doctor said when he started to dig his phone from his pocket. She got up and exited the room in silence. Reid looked at her disappearing back, sighed and dialled to all too familiar number. It took only two rings before someone picked up.


	12. Chapter 12

**Again thanks a lot for the reviews and all! I never thought this would be such a big deal for me. It was just something I thought of doing and then I got hooked... **

**I think I might own you some explaining. I'm not happy about the storyline all the time and I'm trying to turn it in to more pleasurable way all the time. I feel like there's too much going on in this chapters and too much things I should think about. But I'm trying my best. **

**In this chapter you might have a small explanation to the question so many of you have asked: Why are they lieing to Hotch. I hope this one gives you something... **

**Enjoy!**

* * *

><p>Chapter 12.<p>

He was sure he would never be able to forget the surprised tone that he could hear in Morgan's voice when he picked up.

"Reid?"

"Yeah… Hey Morgan. Do you think you could do me a favour? I mean, you have the only spare key to my apartment and I need some stuff from there… Could you get me some clothes? Oh, and a tooth brush and other things like that?" he asked shyly, picking his shirt sleeve again. He wasn't sure he had any right to ask Morgan to do anything for him. He hadn't exactly treated the man well.

There was a silence on the other end of the line. He was almost certain that the older man wasn't going to help him. At least before Morgan spoke again, slowly, carefully.

"Sure. Where are you? And what kind of clothes do you need?"

There was a sudden, surprised gasp when he answered.

"Hospital? What the hell are you doing there? Are you okay? Has something happened? What do you need clothes for? And why so much?" Morgan asked frantically, his voice getting too loud for Reid to hold the cell close to his ear anymore.

"I'll explain it to you when you get here. Please, just do what I asked", he pleaded and bit his lip. He sounded so young, so vulnerable that Morgan wasn't sure he could meet the other man without wanting to hug him, which Reid probably wouldn't appreciate too much. He was sensitive to touch and their latest argument was in clear memory.

"And Morgan," he began, when he sensed the older agent starting to say his goodbyes, "thank you".

There was another silent moment between them. Then Reid heard the cell sift, and engine start and a low moan.

"No problem, kid. See you in a bit".

* * *

><p>It surely surprised Morgan how determined Reid looked sitting there on the chair, fidgeting his right leg slowly. Morgan made a low noise, making Reid wince. He looked up and flashed a guilty, uncertain smile.<p>

"Hey", he greeted the older agent a little too nervously to fit his confident expression. He didn't look the other man to the eyes, but came close enough for Morgan to take it as an invitation. He took two careful steps closing the distance between them and sat down next to his friend. Reid didn't look at him, but sifted a little. Morgan wasn't sure if it was only an instinct or if he felt uncomfortable, but if he was honest, he really didn't care.

"Are you going to talk to me?"

He bit his lip and turned his head slightly, so he could see his friend. He rubbed his face and coughed.

"Yeah… I hope you know how much I appreciate this. I… I treated you so badly and I really wouldn't have been surprised if you never showed up", he mumbled, now lifting his gaze so he was directly watching in Morgan's eyes. Morgan tilted his head and was about to say something, when Reid opened his mouth again.

"I hurt you, and I get it. I wasn't myself at the time. I'm sorry. And I'm really thankful for you being here".

Morgan shook his head and snorted friendly.

"Kid… Reid, you think you treated me bad? What I remember I treated you worse. But do you think we could put this behind us? I mean, I don't suppose you to just forgive me, but maybe forget?" the voice was apologetic and joyless, but at the same time hopeful, which made Reid allow a tiny smile to spread across his face.

"You know what, Morgan? I'm lot better forgiving than forgetting… Could you deal with that? And can you forgive me too?" he half laughed. Morgan closed his eyes for a bit, sending his silent thanks up and then leaned in and wrapped his strong arms around Reid and squeezed tightly.

"I missed you man. I can't tell you how much, but I did", he whispered only making Reid return the squeeze.

"I missed you too".

* * *

><p>Morgan's face was priceless. He had to give him credit for that. There was confusion, disbelief, anger, sadness and amusement, all at the same time and Reid was sure no one who didn't know Morgan would have recognised all the feelings.<p>

"What? You're not actually thinking that me, or anyone of us for that matter, would let you spend any time at all in any kind of centre. No Reid, I guarantee you that you will not be going there. Not today", Morgan stated firmly and shook his head pointedly. Reid couldn't feel little distracted at the last two words, but merely pushed the feeling away. Now wasn't the time to think about the future. He was going to have his friend back. He hadn't lost him. He would never lose him.

"But… where I'm going to stay then? You know, I can't go to JJ's, or Garcia's. And they're pretty much the only ones I could think of living with. Although Garcia would go all crazy with me. Don't get me wrong, I love Rossi and Prentiss, but… could you think of living with them?" he rambled and shook his head even more pointedly than Morgan had.

"Pretty Boy, I'm hurt. What about me? You're not going to even mention me? You don't think you could share an apartment with me for a couple of weeks? Or months? I'm not that bad you know…" Morgan muttered tilting his head in confusion. Reid's eyes grew wider and he opened his mouth only to close it again. His heart was beating faster

"Wait… Morgan, I'm not sure. I value our friendship too much to destroy it by doing or saying something wrong. You're way too important for me. And I… I can't think of asking anything like that right now. I can't really ask anything right now. I was way over the line the last time and I can't even imagine you forgiving me so soon. I think I rather go to the centre than risk losing you as my friend", he explained tears forming to his eyes and his words coming out faster with every second.

"Hey, hey!" Morgan whispered grabbing younger man's arm and squeezing softly. He wanted Reid to look at him, to stop thinking and just listen.

"Look at me, please? I thought we were over this already. I don't know what else I can say. You have done nothing wrong. I could kick myself right now. And I know I should have done it a long time ago. None of us was thinking straight when we had to handle Hotch's case and yours at the same time. I was so afraid that you would never be going to talk to me again. I… You're my best friend, Reid. No one can change that, but for a moment there I forgot just how much you mean to me, to all of us".

Reid felt a twinge of fear and worry and swallowed. He raised his eyes slowly. He hadn't done it when Morgan had asked him to and wasn't sure if he wanted to do it then either. But when he did, he felt thankful he had. There was that overly loving look in Morgan's eyes that told him he truly cared.

"I don't know what I would have done if you had never called me again. You can never imagine how happy I felt when I saw your name on the phone", Morgan explained and Reid had to choke down an urge to tell him a statistic or two about cell phones and co-worker relationships.

"I… I was afraid that I had ruined everything between us. It was a devastating thought if something and I was going all crazy because of that. You can ask Prentiss or Rossi or anyone about it! I can tell that they were pissed at me and tried to make me talk to you, but I just… I wanted to let you cool down, man. I had never seen you so angry before and it sort of came out of nowhere, although I should have expected that. But I was confused. I know you were too, but you didn't make any sense to me then. You wanted us not to tell Hotch about your injury, but when we didn't we felt like we had hurt you. You acted like we had done something wrong. We weren't sure what it was all about, not until the day we saw you at the hospital and saw Hotch after that. We knew you had done the right thing wanting to keep all of this from him, but at the same time we understood that no one had really been there for you. You were hurt too. And JJ came to you, right? I would have come too, but I wasn't sure if I should. We all wanted to come, but we decided that it was best for only one of us to meet you. We didn't want you to feel trapped".

Morgan paused to take a deep breathe. He hadn't exactly been rambling without breathing like Reid often did, but he had started to feel the side effects of talking too much too fast. His mouth felt dry and he was sure he would have to keep catching his breath for the next three years. Honestly speaking, he wasn't sure how Reid managed to do it every single day without any trouble.

The moments silent offered Reid a time to wipe the tears from his eyes and shake his head.

"And I was afraid you would never want to talk to me again… We make quite a pair, don't we? But, do you really mean what you said? That I could come and stay with you? You do realize that I could do practically nothing else than lie on the bed?" he said voice muffled and confused.

Morgan smiled.

"Of course. I would be glad if you came. I'm not going to force you, but it would make me feel much better".

Reid thought for it a while. He was sure a life with Morgan would be better than a life in a rehabilitation centre. In his mind it just wasn't as simple as that. There were pros and cons in both solutions, he just wasn't sure which ones were stronger, or which option seemed to be more pleasurable. Morgan for sure had made up his mind and if Reid knew his friend at all he wouldn't give up without a fight.

"Okay. If you're sure. Let's give it a try. If it doesn't work out, I'll go somewhere else", he answered then, sighing soundly. Morgan's face light up in a wide grin and he nodded in agreement.

"It's a deal".

* * *

><p><strong>I'm sorry guys! This was pretty much the same kind of chapter than the 10th, but I needed Reid and Morgan have a little brotherhood talk and work things out... I hope you liked it! <strong>


	13. Chapter 13

**Hey guys! It's been a while. I'm sorry I haven't been able to update sooner. I've had soooo much to do. Driving lessons and the theory part, school, sports, music... **

**I was actually planning to write a little more to this chapter but then decided to save it for the 14th, so this could be out someday. Anyway. Thanks for the reviews again! **

**This one is slightly uneventful and mostly angst again.. But I hope you can read it through and tell me what you think... The team will be on the next one! Probably... I'm not sure... **

**Well, enjoy! **

* * *

><p>Chapter 13.<p>

Doctor Morrow wasn't too glad to let Reid out for a home care. She was certain that the two agents didn't actually realize the risks that there were. She was concerned that her patient's leg injury would aggravate like it already had. She had tried reasoning with them but it had quickly occurred to her that they were not open for negotiations. These two agents were stubborn if something and hard headed. The only thing that made her feel even remotely comfortable was that they seemed to be close and she was sure that while not receiving real medical care Doctor Reid was going to be in good hands.

"I hope you both know what we're dealing with here. This is not just some random sport injury, this is a gunshot wound. And as federal agents you must know how serious these things can get. I see I have no chance of getting you, Doctor Reid, to say in the centre, so I'm going to give you a few rules – and I must warn you – these are not debatable. First, you are not allowed to do any physical exercise before the physical therapy. You can walk – with the crutches – a little during the day, but I ask you to avoid standing up too long and of course using stairs. Take a lift in any case, if possible. Also, I will be giving you another brace, bigger one, which will hold your leg from your angle to your hip. It's simply for your own good", Doctor Morrow said firmly and got a brief nod from both the agents and a loud, nervous gulp from Reid.

"I'm going to be direct, Doctor Reid. You must follow these rules, no matter how stupid they feel. It's your walking ability that is on the stake here. If you break your knee now, you might need a lot more than a surgery and little physical therapy to get back to the field. I know this is hard for you, both of you, I suppose, but…"

"I know, Doctor Morrow, and we get it. We both. And trust me, the last thing I want is to be unable to do my duty as a full field agent", Reid interrupted, his eyes asking forgiveness. It was true that Doctor Morrow had a point and it was only fair to admit that the things she said were really important, but he also knew all of it already. The thought had crossed his mind a few times after the second accident. And he was certain that the possible future with a constantly aching knee and a limp was not what he wanted. His job meant everything to him. He didn't want to be unable to do what he loved and what he was built to do. He was, to be fair, more profiler than anything, but he liked the part of being an agent too. The few times Hotch allowed him to come with them or when he really was needed or something unexpected happened, he liked the running part and the 'hands up' part. He wasn't probably the most convincing agent of the time, but he knew he was good. He was a good agent and most of all with his team, one of the best profilers in the Bureau history. And that was all that mattered.

Morgan glanced at the man next to him and couldn't feel a little proud. Not just about the things he said, but also about the things he didn't say. Reid had always been a little more than just an annoying kid in his eyes, but he had had his doubts about him becoming a real field agent. Reid had proved him wrong though and showed everyone that he really belonged to the BAU team. He had earned it and all that he wasn't saying, but that Morgan could read from his face and his body language was enough to make him feel like Reid was the best man to do his job.

"I feel that I can trust you. Just know that if anything – and I mean anything – goes wrong, just come straight in", Doctor Morrow stated and handed them papers to fill.

* * *

><p>"Surprisingly easy, or what you think, kid?" Morgan chuckled softly when he was pulling the car from the parking lot of the hospital. Reid glanced at him and shrugged.<p>

"Depends on how do you want to see it… I don't really consider sitting on the bed for the next two months or so, easy. Although, if I were you, it would probably be a whole other story", he answered his tone nonchalant, but not meaningless.

"What are you trying to imply? You calling me lazy or something?"

"No. Of course not! Why would I do that?" Reid grinned easily and earned a soft smack from Morgan.

"Good. Because if you were, I would be reconsidering whether I want you to stay with me or not", the older man joked lightly and glanced at his friend. God, he was happy to be just where he was.

They drove in silence for a couple of minutes, Reid examining the brace and Morgan staring the road firmly.

"Umm… The team is coming over for a dinner tonight. They… we… we were going to call you. Check up on you, you know", Morgan then stated clumsily and fixed his sternly to the road before him.

"Oh? You were, huh? That's… umm… nice of you. Yeah, real good plan to make me feel even more outsider", Reid answered stiffly. He felt awful right after he had said it and the hurt expression on Morgan's face didn't really make it better. Reid gulped and clenched his fists tightly.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't fair… I just… Just take me back to the hospital and I'll go to the centre. I will make you feel bad. God, I can be stupid!" Reid sighed in frustration and slammed his fist to the brace on his left leg. The jolt sent sparkling pain from his knee all the way up to his hip and down his toes, but he stifled the cry of pain and desperation. He felt sweat rise to his forehead and narrowed his eyes. Morgan winced, drove a couple of seconds and pulled over.

"You okay? Why did you do that? You knew it'd hurt!" he cried out, an anger slowly seeping through his words. Anger for himself and for the team's thoughtlessness and all that had happened and gone wrong for the past few weeks, not that Reid knew what it was directed to. So, it was Reid's turn to wince. He glanced at the older man and bit his lip. He muttered something incoherent and turned his face away.

"You got to stop doing that yourself! You have a right to be hurt and pissed and all that. I'm not going to break if you snap at me", Morgan stated deeply, although he had to admit to himself, that every time Reid got mad at him, a part of his heart was ripped off of his chest.

"Yeah, you can be a real jackass at times, but so can I. Look at me please?" he continued hastily and reached his hand to touch younger agent's shoulder. Once Reid turned his face halfway to his direction, Morgan was satisfied enough and smiled softly.

"Let's make a deal. Okay? If you hurt me and apologize, it's alright. If I do the same, it's alright too. We're friends, Reid. We need to stick together and learn to forgive. It's the most important part of being close to someone. To be able to forgive and love. Got it?"

Reid turned his eyes directly to Morgan and nodded slowly.

"I… I've been on the edge lately. I just… Do you know how unbearable it is to be alone? I mean, I've been mostly alone my whole life. I've been taking care of myself and my mother since I was ten and I... It's just too much right now. I know I shouldn't take it out to you, but I'm tired of pretending to be alright. I'm hurt, I'm angry, I'm scared … I'm a lot of things right now and I need help. I need someone I can trust and talk to. It may not always look like it, but I do care about the team and even myself at times", Reid sighed and leaned his head back.

"You mean, you want someone professional to talk to? Like a psychiatrist?" Morgan asked tilting his head. He had a feeling it wasn't what he wanted, but it would be better to make sure.

"No… I think… I just need a friend, you know. Garcia and JJ are great, but they're not you. So I'm glad I didn't piss you off. Yet", Reid muttered and then shrugged.

"Do you think we could let them think I'm home or somewhere when they come? I mean, me being at your place could be a surprise…" he then continued, pushing his sadness behind,

"Sure. That's actually pretty good idea. You know I like happy surprises", Morgan smiled, glad that the younger man was thinking something else.

It was the silence again that overcame the situation and Morgan returned to the road. Then he cleared his throat, remembering something.

"Hey, would you care to explain me, what happened when you got shot?" he rather demanded than asked and Reid grinned and started to explain.


	14. Chapter 14

**Hey guys! **

**I'm super sorry that it took this long to update. I've been little caught up in everything else in my life. And of course the Christmas and the New Year took my time too. This time I again hope I didn't disappoint anyone with this chapter. There will be no Hotch, but he's going to come to the spotlight, soon enough - at least in some way. **

**Thank you for the reviews again and also thank you for any intrest you're showing towards this story. Also I have to apologize, because I spotted one mistake from the Chapter 10. There I claime JJ to be a profiler, which she obviously is not. Sorry for that! **

**Here you go. Enjoy!**

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><p>Chapter 14.<p>

If he was honest, he had to admit he wasn't feeling so well. His head was feeling dizzy from all the talking and the pain, and only thinking about meeting his team did its job making him more tired. Morgan hadn't noticed anything, or if he had he hadn't said it. There was no need. Everything was already decided and he was to do what he was expected. He was to sit in the bedroom as long as everyone had arrived and then to get in to the kitchen, to surprise them and to look like he was enjoying himself, despite the nagging feeling that everyone was treating him little cautiously and too softly. And given the fact that there was nothing he wished more than that everything would go back to normal and everyone would start to act normally around him, he was really between a rock and a hard place. His own well-being or his friends'`?

As usual, he found himself pleasing the others, sitting in bedroom, reading much slower than he was used to. He tried to catch the faint voices coming from other parts of the apartment, but there was nothing yet. The door was still open and Morgan had insisted him to stay in the living room until the first ones arrived, but he had said that he needed a moment alone. So Morgan had given him some space. He hadn't checked in on him after he was convinced that he could make it onto the bed by himself. He had gone probably to the kitchen to make preparations, or just to sit down for a minute. He didn't really know, and to be honest he didn't care.

To his surprise it didn't take too long before he heard the doorbell ringing and Morgan's footsteps when he ran to the door. After a quiet click the air filled with bubbling voice and another much calmer. JJ and Garcia, with no doubt. He let out a small sigh of relief when the voices moved towards the kitchen. They weren't coming where he was. He had still a moment to gather himself.

Only two minutes later – he couldn't be too precise without a watch, but he was pretty good at estimating time - the doorbell rang again and he could only guess that there were Prentiss and Rossi. And sure enough, Prentiss and Rossi's voices were the next ones to be heard.

"Get in, get in. You can give the food to me", Morgan greeted and earned a snort from Prentiss.

"Yeah, right. If I give this bag to you, can you promise that I still get to see my chicken?"

"In fact, you can. I'm not that kind of guy who eats other's foods. You might like that, but I'm sorry I have to disappoint you".

"Shut up, both of you. I'm too hungry to listen to that", Rossi stated darkly and draw laughter out of the two.

"I bet you are, Rossi. I told you, you could have come and have lunch with me!" JJ called cheerily from the kitchen and Reid couldn't help but feel a little sting. They seemed to be perfectly happy without him.

"Now, now. Should we call our baby-genius before we start the dinner? We could also ask if he wants to join us. It's not so far from here. His apartment, I mean", one of the ladies asked and he knew he should have guessed Garcia would be the one to bring him up in the first place.

"Well, yeah. I just don't know if I can handle another one of his angst-scenes", Prentiss snorted before anyone else had time to say anything.

"Hey! It's been hard for him too There has been some issues and it's probably hell of a job to go through that without pain killers. I know he didn't talk to us as he should've, but you know him. He doesn't want us to worry and doesn't see him valuable enough to bring himself up. So, let's just call him and ask him to come", JJ stated sharply and he could guess her eyes were flaming like they always did when she was defending something or someone. Morgan was clearly nervous about the situation, because Reid heard him say something

"Well, luckily I think I can offer you something better than just a phone call. We don't even need to drive there", he announced a little too loud for anyone who stood in the room, but it was a clue for Reid. He slowly stood up, grabbed his crutches and started to move towards the kitchen.

* * *

><p>It was almost pure agony, mixed with some confusion, to see every one staring at him like he was a ghost. He plinked rapidly and shrugged.<p>

"Umm... hey", he greeted softly and directed his gaze to the ground.

"Spence! What are you doing here?" JJ exclaimed jumped off of her seat and sprinted towards her friend. She spread her arms and then wrapped them around his thin awkward frame into a tight squeeze before he had any change to back out of the way.

"How're you doing? Did you see the doctor?" she asked her voice little muffled and he winced meaninglessly.

"Doctor? Why would he have to meet the doctor? He already did and it has been only for a while…" Prentiss questioned sharply. She wasn't ready to let Reid get out of the leash so easily. She glared at him and he felt like he was melting. Softly he pushed JJ away and hobbled to face Prentiss and Rossi, the only ones he had yet to make peace with.

"Look, I know I haven't exactly been the friendliest guy during…" he started. The speech had become so familiar to him that his voice was almost monotone, which probably was the reason for Rossi to cut him off.

"Save it, kid. No need to blame anyone for doing or not doing anything. Let's just say it's okay. We've done mistakes. You've done mistakes. We're all sinners. That's it", the older agent said almost nonchalantly. But it wasn't enough for Prentiss.

"What? Seriously? Are you just going to let him walk out of this? He hasn't talked to us! Well, not to you and me at least. I was sick of worry! I thought something worse had happened. It was my fault for god's sake! I left him alone! It wouldn't have happened if I had been there. You got hurt because I left and I thought you were angry at me. You were angry at everyone and I was afraid you'd never talk to me again!" Prentiss yelled, her voice wavering and hitching. Everyone stood quietly and stared at her. Reid swallowed when he saw tears forming into her eyes. He couldn't watch that.

Gently but firmly he dropped his crutches to the floor, stumbled closer and pulled her into a hug. She wrapped her arms around him and buried her head against his chest.

"It wasn't your fault, Emily. It was my call. I would have done it anyway. Besides, Doctor Barton would've have died if it wasn't for you. Maybe… maybe Hotch too", he muttered against her hair and rubbed her back.

"But you got shot!" Prentiss cried and tried to push Reid further, but the younger man didn't let go. He winced when he had to put some of his weight to his injured leg, but he didn't say anything. Swiftly he shifted so he could stand on one leg again. Then he patted her back a couple of times comfortingly.

"Listen. That you left was a stroke of luck. If you hadn't I would've been fine, physically, but mentally I would be broken. Hotch might have died or at least been in more critical stage when he got to the hospital. And what comes to Doctor Barton, he would be as dead as a rock. I would feel responsible and I would question my judgement and my abilities as an agent and a profiler. Now I don't. This brace is a small price for two lives. My _life_ would have been a small price. Believe me. I would've been happy to give it if it could've saved someone else's", Reid told her quietly. He wasn't sure if everything he said was actually true. He couldn't even tell himself when he was lying and when he was not. The realisation startled him, but he knew better than to bring it up. He would have to talk to Morgan later. But the time was yet to come, although they would probably have a lot of opportunities in the future to discuss just about everything.

"No, kid. Don't go selling yourself short. You're valuable. To the Bureau, to the team and most importantly to this family", Morgan, who had stayed silent during the conversation, murmured firmly and when Reid glanced at the others he saw them nodding unanimously.

"Reid, you know what? You're stupid and annoying and some days I hate you, but at the same time you're smart, kind, supportive, and you see things others don't. And that's why I love you", Prentiss whispered and this time Reid let her push himself away. He looked at her sadly and then he turned his face to the others.

"Will you forgive me? And will you help me to make this up to Hotch? I've been lying to him way too long", he asked wearily, but he was worried for nothing.

"Of course we will. If you just forgive us in turn. And I think we've all been lying to him too long", Prentiss said softly and Reid smiled. The smile was happy and genuine for once.

* * *

><p><p>

The next couple of hours were a pleasure. The team had sat down and put up a great meal with pickup food. Reid found himself explaining the past events of his and hearing stories about work. They all avoided the subject that hung silently and heavily amongst them. Hotch. The matter was too pressuring, too hard to bring up during the dinner and they all knew that.

Morgan, who was seated next to Reid, kept constantly glancing at the younger man and searching for signs of tiredness or discomfort. Every now and then he put his hand on his shoulder or his good knee and eyed him, as if to ask, if he was okay. And every time Reid either nodded or smiled slightly. This interaction did not slip from the others' eyes, but they did nothing to show they had noticed. Reid was grateful for his friend's concern and for the company he had. He had the privilege to call the best of all people his friends and his family and he was certain that he had got more than he deserved.

* * *

><p>It didn't surprise anyone that it was Rossi who started to talk about their most important concern at the moment. It was to be expected not only because he was the oldest, but also because he had the biggest courage to talk about the hard stuff and because Hotch was the closest one of them to him.<p>

"I think we need to think about, what we do to make this whole mess up to Hotch. I have a pretty solid idea that he won't be ready to see our genius for a while, but we need to explain it to him, so that there will be a day when he accepts the mistakes", Rossi said without even trying to soften the facts. Reid gulped and laid his eyes to the table. He was sure all of it was his fault and that he had ruined the whole team's relationships and their dynamics.

Luckily he was the only one who felt that way and he got to know that when he felt Morgan, once again, patting his leg.

"Hey, don't do that again. No one's here to blame you or anyone else for that matter", he reassured and Reid lifted his gaze drawing his lips into a thin line. Then he shook his head and told Rossi to continue with a slight movement of his hand.

"I suppose it would be best if we got this sorted as soon as possible. Tomorrow, if it's alright for everyone. Aaron's at home and we could go and pay him a visit. I think we should _all_ go. There's a chance that he won't let as in. At least not all of us, but it's worth trying", Rossi spoke again and eyed everyone in their little circle. Garcia nodded pointedly, but didn't say anything. Reid found that somewhat strange, but all in all, the whole situation was.

"Tomorrow, like at two?" Prentiss suggested after a moment's silence.

"Yeah, that's a deal for me", JJ announced and Garcia nodded her agreements. Rossi closed his eyes briefly in approval and then all of their eyes turned to Morgan and Reid.

"What about you? Morgan? Reid?" JJ asked gently and the two men glanced at each other. And when Reid shrugged Morgan grinned.

"Yeah, it's not like we're going to sleep that long. And I have a slight guess that Reid should get up way before to take his pain meds and all that. And since he's here anyway, he'll come with me", the older agent explained and Garcia almost burst out the coke she was drinking.

"Oh! Are my two boys really staying together now? I have to say I've waited for this day to come. When are you going to have your wedding?" she called out in awe and made Reid blush.

"We're not… we… I…. Garcia!" he muttered shakily and made everyone laugh from the bottom of their hearts. And just then, they really felt like a family.


	15. Chapter 15

**Hey! Thank you again, for your reviews! I love you! **

**Well, here's a surprise for you, it's the longest chapter I've written! Hooray! There's quite lot going on and I was thinking about dividing(hopefully this is the right word!)it into two seperate chapters, but then I decided to go with just one. **

**So, now, after a long, long wait I'm finally able to give you this! **

**Enjoy! **

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><p>He found it somewhat comforting to know that someone who truly cared about him was sleeping in the bedroom next to his. The thought of having to be all alone again had made him feel tired and nervous, but that feeling had died along with Morgan's invitation. He hadn't been sleeping very well after the accident, the pains and the fears keeping him awake and aware of every single voice echoing in his small apartment.<p>

It was different at Morgan's. There the night seemed to be calm and silent, only small hum of the electrical machines and Clooney's soft pacing hanging in the air. If someone had asked him where he felt the most safe, the answer would have been obvious, although the nightmares still didn't leave him alone.

And as to be expected, it was right past midnight when Morgan woke up, startled by a muffled cry running up and down the walls. He got up faster than he ever remembered doing and sprang towards the spare bedroom. He didn't bother to knock and just drew the door open and stumbled in.

"Reid? Kid, you okay?" he asked frantically, looking wildly around the room searching for any sign of something being out of place, although he knew there would be none. Then he slowly turned his face towards his friend.

Reid was sitting in the bed, his braced leg up on two or three pillows and his left hand drawn over his face. He was swallowing and shaking violently. He looked like he was about to fall apart and Morgan felt his heart sinking. Gently and slowly he made his way to the bed and sat down on the edge. He caught Reid moving an inch away from him. Careful not to surprise the younger man he raised his hand and laid it on his back. Reid winced at the touch, but didn't move.

"Yeah, I'm fine", he answered before the other had any chance to ask again.

"It was just a dream, you know. It wasn't true, so it can't hurt me", he continued and turned to face Morgan. His eyes were red and had dark circles around them. It was like he hadn't been sleeping at all.

Morgan shook his head and moved his hand from Reid's back to his shoulder.

"Look, kid. That the dreams aren't real doesn't mean that they can't hurt you. It's okay to be frightened by them. I suppose that's why some of the people call them night terrors", he whispered and squeezed his friend's thin shoulder.

"It was Hotch", Reid said suddenly, his eyes glazing and his breathing picking up its speed.

"He was… he was all bloody and he was standing right in front of me. He was yelling. He was angry. I hadn't done what I should have and I knew that and he wanted to punish me. He wanted to show me what Foyet had done to him and he… he took his shirt of and showed me all of the stab wounds… All of them, Morgan, and they bled and bled and bled and he was just standing there, staring at me… I… I was so afraid", he explained fast. His eyes grew wider and it almost sounded like he was choking. For a while Morgan just stared at him. Then he understood that he had to do something. He had to help.

"Reid, hey. Hey, hey, hey, calm down. I need you to take deep breaths, in and out, easy. Just like that Reid. You're doing great", Morgan stated keeping his voice low and tried to kill the pity from his eyes. He knew Reid didn't want that. Then suddenly, the younger man lifted his head and looked at him blankly.

"You know what, Morgan? I've become a hell of a liar. I do question my judgement and my skills. I just wanted to make her feel better. It wasn't her fault. It was mine. Really. Nothing you say will change that".

"What are you talking about?" Morgan asked confused. He kept his eyes on his young friend and tilted his head a little.

"I don't know anymore, Morgan. I don't know when I'm telling the truth and when I'm not. If you ask me if I'm okay, I don't know if I am or if I'm not. If you ask me if I feel guilty, I'm not sure of that either. I feel like I'm responsible for causing half of this mess, but I also know I can't think like that and that the other half is not my fault. I'm just so confused right now, and I'm afraid that I can't get a control of my thoughts anymore. It's not that I'm afraid of ending like my mother right now, I'm just afraid that I can't start doing my job again. What if I never can think like I used to? It's already way more difficult than it was!" Reid explained harshly, quickly and without drawing a breath.

"Aww, kid. I don't know what I can tell you. I would say it's worthless to worry about your skills or your judgement, but I know it wouldn't do much good. It's not easy to assure yourself that you haven't done anything wrong if you or your friends are hurt. And it has nothing to do with the fact that everyone is telling you that you did the right thing. Because when you feel like the whole world is going to fall apart thanks to you, there's no telling you otherwise. You wouldn't believe. I'm sorry Reid. This one has to come from you. And what comes to the lying, I can assure you that every one of us does it sometimes. It's not a good thing to do, and I will not encourage you to do that, but I want you understand that it's okay to protect yourself", Morgan explained not letting his eyes slip from Reid's. The younger man shook his head.

"That's not exactly what I hoped you'd say", he snorted lightly and flashed a brief, tired grin.

"Well, I don't know what else to say. You're a good agent, Reid. You've been good as long as I've known you and you're getting better every day you do this job. You're one of the bravest and strongest men I've ever met. And if you add your extremely unique mind to that, you got a great package. Hold on to it. Trust yourself and your instincts. They may be wrong every once in a while, but it will be worth listening to them".

They looked at each other in silence for a moment, before Morgan gave his shoulder a last, gentle squeeze and got up from the bed. He softly told Reid to get some sleep and then moved out of the door. The next month or so was certainly going to be a long one.

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><p>The morning went as to be expected after a restless night. Reid had slept easily and quietly after the first nightmare and Morgan had found his peace following him shortly. Still, despite the fact that everything had been talked clear, there was still an awkward silence hanging between them, at least so it seemed to Reid. Morgan didn't found it unpleasant at all, although he was the one to break the silence.<p>

"Better?"

His voice stayed low and sweet and it caught Reid's attention quickly. He looked at the other man for a while trying to decide what he was referring to. Then he figured he could answer pretty much to anything that question could have meant.

"Yeah", he shrugged and sipped the coffee Morgan had handed him. They stared at each other carefully until Reid turned his face away and Morgan turned his back to him in order to start making toasts for both of them.

"Are you nervous?" the older man asked again. Reid glanced at him. The other clearly didn't enjoy the peace anymore.

"What do you think?" he snorted little unkindly and drew his mouth into a thin line. He glared at him and Morgan shook his head.

"You know you don't have to put up a brave face for me," he muttered sadly and moved around the table to give his shoulder a soft tap. Reid leaned back in his chair and hung his head. Morgan caught a glimpse of him clutching his left hand over his bad leg as if he was in pain.

"Do you need pain killers? Have you taken them today?" the older man questioned kindly, crouching to the ground next to him. Reid nodded grimly and then shook his head. His face paled and he hissed quietly.

"It's probably the nerves, you know. It shouldn't be like this, although I haven't taken my meds yet," he muttered. His leg felt like it was in fire. The pain flared all the way up from his ankle to his hip and he had to grit his teeth in order not to cry out. The brace felt uncomfortable and clumsy. He hated the situation he was in. He hated his incapability to do anything he was used to do. He hated being unable to help anyone.

"I don't know what it is, but that's not normal. I'll go and get you Tylenol and an ice pack. It seems to be swelling quite a bit," Morgan gritted between his teeth. He was almost able to feel his friend's pain as his own. He tried to avoid looking at the younger man's face that held a painful expression and that kind of worry that made Morgan want to shake the depression out of him. He didn't wait for him to answer or to nod, but got up and headed to get what was needed.

Reid sat silently staring blankly at the other man's back. There was hardly a rational thought in his head and he couldn't get a hold of any idea at all. His mind was raging at him. It told him that he had done every possible mistake in the world and that he was worthless. It was the great relief he craved for. It wasn't the drug itself, he knew it was bad, but the utter feeling of nothingness. The space where was no pain, no hurt, no sadness, no anger… There was the all-filling emptiness that called for him softly and invitingly.

The sudden feeling of cold on his leg snapped him out of his thoughts. He turned his face to see Morgan eyeing him wearily. He gulped accidentally and nodded his thanks.

"Is it on the right place?" Morgan asked.

It took a moment from Reid to understand what he meant, but not too long for Morgan to get suspicious.

"Yeah. It's fine," he answered truthfully and reached for the glass Morgan had brought for him. Gladly he took the painkillers Morgan handed him and then looked down, not wanting to meet his gaze.

"Are you up to meeting Hotch today? We can move the date, if you want".

"No. It has to be done today".

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><p>"Hey boys!" JJ greeted overly brightly when she met Morgan and Reid on the parking lot near Hotch's apartment. The others hadn't come yet and Reid was somewhat grateful for that. He leaned heavily on his crutches and panted slightly. The pain had lowered into a dull ache, but it was still there and he felt more tired than he ever remembered feeling. He noticed Morgan watching him worriedly, but didn't do anything to reassure him he was okay. Frankly, there seemed to be no point in telling half-hearted lies as he knew the older man would see right through them.<p>

Morgan answered to JJ softly, not taking his eyes off of Reid. Unfortunately for Reid, JJ noticed the tension between them and sifted her eyes from to one to another.

"Is everything okay?" she asked wearily drawing her lips into a sad sneer. Morgan and Reid shared a quick glance. Reid improved his position uncomfortably and nodded at the two sparing them from words.

"We umm… We had a little rough morning, as to be expected. You shouldn't worry about it too much, though. Morgan explained and earned a thankful look from Reid. He didn't want JJ to be afraid of that his injury was worse than they had thought it to be. It was enough that he was scared. Also, he really didn't need JJ or anyone for that matter to know about his nightmares that the pain aggravated and encouraged further.

As a matter of fact, Morgan the one and only knowing about his little issue had tried to get him to take a nap all morning, but Reid had claimed his brain to be in the hyper-active mode and that there was no chance he could have slept at all. Actually, he had been too afraid to sleep and he was sure Morgan knew that. Still, when the possibility of rest had been proven impossible, Morgan had simply handed him a pile of books and turned on the TV to entertain himself.

The books had been enough for him for a couple of hours, but when they reached the midday he was already sitting in silence just staring at the floor in front of him and trying to ignore the heavy feeling that was all over his chest. It hadn't taken a lot from Morgan to see that his friend's mind was elsewhere, but it certainly took a lot from him to get the other man back. He had had to call him several times before he had seen his shoulders relax and the genius had been able to focus on his face. Then, when Reid had just waved the matter away without really sharing anything to Morgan because he was sure the man already knew, Morgan had started to cook them something for lunch and even Reid had to admit that he had started to feel hungry.

After finishing the dinner they had merely left their plates on the table noticing that they already should be going. Morgan had helped Reid to get into the car while he had complained slightly about being a burden which Morgan wisely decided to ignore. He wasn't going to start that discussion when there were more pressing matters to deal with.

The drive had been silent until the very last moment when Morgan had asked if Reid really was up to it and if he wanted to back down. It was still possible, he had told him, but Reid had merely shaken his head and repeated his previous words about it having to be done just then.

* * *

><p>The others arrived all at once, Rossi driving, Prentiss sitting in the front and Garcia hopping out from the back. Hugs and smiles were exchanged briefly and then Rossi took control as usual. Keeping his face calm and his voice low he led them to the door of Hotch's apartment and then knocked determinately, before anyone was able to say anything. They stared at each other in bewilderment for a couple of seconds, Morgan carefully placing himself between Reid and the door so Hotch had no possibility to see the younger agent and therefore no real reason to leave them outside.<p>

Soon enough, they heard a click and the door bounced open revealing a tired-looking, messy-haired Hotch. There was a deathly silent for a moment, before Garcia jumped in action and rushed towards her superior to catch him into a hug. Despite the fact that Hotch did not hug her back she squeezed him tight against herself and whispered some low, comforting words to his ear.

"What are you doing here?" Hotch asked rather rudely once Garcia had let him go and moved back next to JJ.

"We came to explain you some things that need your immediate attention. We have… violated some basic rules of friendship and we would like to set the matters straight," Rossi said easily, stuffing his hands into his pockets. He eyed Hotch who let his gaze wander around the group, suddenly coming into an abrupt stop.

"What are you doing here?" he hissed lowly, glaring at the direction of the youngest member of the team, making him sift a little. Morgan who was still standing in front of him, slid carefully aside and glanced at Reid eyes filled with compassion.

"He's here to solve some things with us. Now, if you let us in, we will sit down and talk things clear," Rossi stated firmly, seeing Reid squirm almost uncontrollably. He wanted the kid to have a break, but he knew that it was hard to take the uncomfortable feeling away from him, this was all he could do.

Hotch looked at them his face motionless and then shook his head cold-heartedly snorting stiffly.

"Fine. You can come in, but _he_ stays here," he commanded harshly indicating towards Reid.

"Come on, man!" Morgan exclaimed and placed his hand protectively over Reid's shoulder. He was starting to get pissed off by the way Hotch treated Reid. It was true that Hotch still did not know the full extent of Reid's injury, but the way he acted was just humiliating.

"He will stay here. Take it or leave it," Hotch repeated coldly and crossed his arms over his chest. Reid hung his head and nodded.

"You go. I'll stay," he mumbled and Morgan could feel his shoulders slump.

* * *

><p>It hadn't taken too much to convince Hotch to at least give Reid a chair to sit on. He wasn't heartless and Reid still was a member of his team, no matter what. So, as to be expected, he was one again sitting and waiting in a corridor, swaying slightly and holding his braced leg up on another chair Morgan had brought him from the apartment. Luckily, he couldn't feel his knee hurting anymore. He was way too focused on other things.<p>

He had been trying to listen to the voices coming from Agent Hotchner's home. It had been quiet at first, but suddenly there was a loud yelling. Morgan.

"Hotch! He was shot, man! We've all lied to you. We didn't want to, but it was for your sake!"

"GET OUT! All of you. I can't take this," a new voice. Hotch. Hearing this made Reid shift uncomfortably. What the hell had he done? Had he torn the whole team apart? The waiting was heart wrenching and it was hard to think about anything else than the on-going conversation.

"No, Hotch. You need to listen to us. And you're going to do it now, whether you want it or not," JJ cried. He had never heard her voice so loud and angry. He winced hard and immediately regretted his fast reaction, since it sent a sharp pain through his knee. He hissed between his teeth and clenched his fist tightly.

And then, just as suddenly they had raised, the voices got down again and he could no longer hear anything. He was sure though that they were still talking about his little lies and those mistakes he had done. Maybe they were explaining all. Or maybe not. He had asked them to leave that part to him. Let him explain, what happened. They didn't actually even know the whole truth, except for Morgan who had forced the truth out of him when he had picked him up from the hospital.

He buried his head to his hands and let out a deep sigh that could've broken anyone's heart.

* * *

><p>It took a while before the door opened and Morgan came bearing a devastated look on his face. Reid swung his leg awkwardly to the floor and stumbled up. He shot a questioning look to which Morgan responded by turning his gaze down.<p>

"He doesn't want to talk to you – or see you, for that matter. They're still trying to talk some sense into him, but I wouldn't have my hopes up," he sighed and shook his head. Reid felt his knee give up under him and he would have fallen if it wasn't for Morgan who caught him just in time and lowered him into a chair.

"I'm sorry Reid. We tried, we really did," he murmured and stroked the younger man's messy hair with his big hand. Reid lifted his head and let out a strangled laugh.

"What did he say?" he asked. His voice had a hint of amusement in it, although Morgan couldn't make himself understand it. Was Reid going crazy? Where was this all coming from?

"He… he umm…. he said that… ummm," Morgan mumbled incoherently and stared at Reid letting his hand fall off of his head. Reid shrugged and turned his mouth into a soft, crooked sneer.

"Well, never mind. You know what? I'm done. Yeah, I've made bad decisions, but it doesn't give anyone a right to treat me like shit. It's enough. We've done what we can and I suppose the rest is up to him. Can we just go home now, please?" he spat and hoisted himself up slowly. The amusement hadn't disappeared.


	16. Chapter 16

**Hey! **

**I'm so sorry it took this long! I haven't exactly had the easiest spring so far. Anyway. It's short and weird, but it's here! FINALLY! **

**Thank you so much for your reviews and thank you to everyone who has stuck around with me and this story. I appreciate every second of yours! **

**Now, enjoy! **

* * *

><p>Chapter 16.<p>

No matter how hard he tried to act brave and show it didn't hurt, it still did. He knew he had told Morgan he was done. He had told JJ too. And Prentiss and Rossi and Garcia, for that matter. However, it didn't mean that he wasn't swelling on the memory of Hotch not letting him in or on that fact that he wasn't able to even take a shower entirely by himself.

Still, he hadn't lied about it. He truly was done in ways which were hard to picture even for those who knew him extremely well. Morgan, who was able to see him trying to function between everything that had happened, saw him grow more and more tired every second and fight against the pain that was slowly consuming all of his strength. It was hard to tell if it was because the events at Hotch's or because he had started to get afraid of the addiction again, but it was clear that it easily took the best of Reid.

Morgan tried his best to keep him happy and alert, but was quick to notice that he had taken a task that was far too big for him. Reid seemed to be falling into a deep depression, something that none of them had really expected. Morgan had talked to the others on several occasions about Reid's decision considering Hotch but had failed to add that the younger man was mentally fading and fast.

Reid on the other hand didn't quite agree to the statement about him being depressed but rather tired and yes, craving, which he did not indicate in anyway.

It had been four days since they had visited their superior. The younger agent was getting frustrated and grumpy. He wasn't sure if he should be happy for having the things solved or depressed because everything was just going as wrong as it possibly could. And the fact how exactly had the things been solved wasn't actually very comforting.

Having Morgan around helped, but it was a whole other thing to start talking to him. He didn't want to bother the other man with his pathetic worries. Not anymore at least. Yes, they had been over it for what seemed like thousand times to Reid and every time had he agreed to come to Morgan whatever it was that was bothering him. He hadn't really done that. He knew he was hurting Morgan, but he was certain that the pain was no bigger than it would be if he confessed about how he felt about everything.

* * *

><p>He wasn't usually the type of person who just lay on the bed doing nothing. He knew that and he had acknowledged that Morgan surely knew too. His friendship with Morgan might not have been the same kind of the other man had with Garcia, but it was clear they knew each other well and Reid was sure he could never hide something from Morgan, even if he wanted to. Still, despite that he hadn't done anything to fix it.<p>

It was nearly impossible for Morgan to get Reid out of the bed to do anything but eat and go to toilet. It wasn't as if he didn't try, though. Reid knew he was being irrational and was just making Morgan feel bad but he couldn't help it. He had come to the conclusion that he really shouldn't be walking. And he was going to hold on to that. If he did walk around it would cause him unwelcomed pain and something that was even more unwelcomed and he wasn't' sure if he could really handle it.

He didn't want to make Morgan angry – he really didn't – but it seemed to be impossible. Except for Morgan wasn't angry but rather sad and confused. He wasn't sure if he had ever been so worried about anyone, let alone Garcia when she had been shot. Those two were his best friends after all and he didn't want anything bad happening to them. Besides, neither of them really deserved to get hurt.

Despite his willingness to go forward with his life Reid found himself day after day sleeping and resting. He had been in bed for a couple of days now, Morgan trying desperately to get him to do something. Reid had heard him talking to Garcia on phone. He had been nervous. Something was up and Morgan wasn't sure what it was. Unfortunately, Reid was very well aware of the situation, but refused to talk.

"I have no idea what I can do with him! I… He's impossible. I can't even get him out of the bed! I need your help, baby girl. I really do", Morgan begged Garcia on the second day and Reid couldn't help but sigh.

Reid could've easily said he was desperate, but he had no way of beating Morgan to it. He was clearly going nuts with Reid who refused to get up. The younger man claimed he was in pain and Morgan kept offering him Tylenol so that he could deal with the nasty side effects of getting shot to a knee and then twisting the injured limp harshly but he was always met by another thick wall of refusal.

"I don't need them. I can… ugh… deal with this perfectly fine. I'm alright!" Reid kept saying like a feverish mantra. Meanwhile, Morgan couldn't help but notice his hands shaking and him constantly sweating. The cravings were starting to get a control of his young friend.

At first he wasn't sure if he should address the point, but when Reid suddenly got really pale and looked like he was about to throw up several times without being able to stop, Morgan decided he should do something. So, he started to creep into Reid's room more often to check on him, one time only to find him trashing restlessly around the bed. He knelt swiftly next to the bed and fished Reid's hand to his own.

"Reid? Kid. Come on, answer me", he called softly. He heard Reid gulp and then saw his pain filled eyes as he turned to face him.

"That's it kid. I'm taking you to the hospital. If you're not taking the pain medication and your leg is hurting like that… You… I'm just worried about you. You tell me all the time you're fine, but you don't really look like it. And… I know it's hard for you because you can't use any narcotics, but I don't understand why do you try to make it even harder by not accepting the Tylenol? Besides, I don't think that's normal anyway. There must be something the doctors failed to notice", Morgan babbled. Reid turned his face away and gave him a sideways glance.

"I don't think I need to…" Reid started, but Morgan cut him off giving him a sharp and short speech about taking care of himself.

"You need to see a doctor. I'm sure. And if not for you, then for me."


	17. Chapter 17

**Hey guys! I'm so sorry it has taken so long from me to update. Again. Well, it would've taken even longer haven't I got the latest review that almost scared me to death. Not really, but it was a good wake up call. Although, I hope no one actually wants to do anything bad to me :D **

**I haven't been super busy this time. I broke my leg(it's fine now)in June and I wasn't really in a mood of doing anything. After two weeks from the accident I went back to work and still didn't feel like doing anything other than surfing on the Internet. I wanted to play baseball, but wasn't allowed until last weekend(technically, I'm allowed to do it tomorrow, but I couldn't wait!). And now that I have three weeks without work or school, I have to study for my final exams.(Final... yeah, right)**

**Hmm, I know I'm not supposed to say this, but I didn't really like this chapter myself. It feels a bit boring and it wasn't really that fun to write. If you can, tell me what went wrong with it. I hardly find it enjoyable. :( (I know, I should've rewritten it...) **

**Anyway, I hope you enjoy. **

* * *

><p>Chapter 17.<p>

Morgan had used the one card Reid could not say "no" to. He owed Morgan that much. If the older man wanted to get him checked out he had no other option than to agree. However, if it wasn't for their argument and their friendship that he valued above all else, he wouldn't have gotten up.

Still, it wasn't as easy for Morgan as some might think. He was muscular and definitely a bigger man than Reid – although a bit shorter – but it still gave him some challenge to haul the younger man off the bed as he was in no state of helping. Reid had really tried to be co-operative and Morgan new that, but he could also tell it hurt Reid like hell to change his position. He stifled every cry that tried to escape from him and somehow Morgan found it comforting. If the situation had been any worse Reid wouldn't have put up the effort of not showing the pain he was in.

Finally, after very well used five minutes, they were able to pull Reid on to his feet. He swayed a little when Morgan handed him his crutches and he nodded his thanks. Slowly he started to make his way out of the bedroom and then towards the entrance of the house. Morgan followed him a few steps behind eyeing him wearily as if getting ready to catch him whenever he decided to fall. Reid didn't however, plan to collapse or anything like that. When they were closing the distance between them and the door he rounded past Reid, far enough to not to get his way, and reached to open the door. Once he was out himself, he held the door open for Reid and then locked it behind him.

"Front or back?" Morgan asked swiftly while racing towards his car. Reid hobble after him and cleared his throat.

"Front. No need to get my leg up for such a short time," he answered softly basically telling Morgan to open the front door for him, as the older man did without a word.

* * *

><p>The ride to the hospital had never been such an agony for Reid, save the first time he had had to go there after the incident. That time, however, he had been in an ambulance, which, in the end, was a lot bigger car than the one they were currently travelling in and so a lot more secure in a way. Now he could feel every bump and toss jostling his leg. He could almost hear the bone crunch and taste the sweat forming to is back and forehead.<p>

He was overly grateful when Morgan finally pulled over to the parking lot and he was able to breathe normally for a second. He closed his eyes and clutched his hand protectively over his knee as if trying to sooth the pain away so that he would be able to tell Morgan just to take him back home although he knew he would only end up wasting his energy. Morgan was determined to take him to see a doctor and there was really nothing he could do to change it. And to be honest he wasn't even sure if he wanted to.

"You ready, kid?" Morgan finally asked. Reid hadn't even noticed the older man still sitting next to him. He would've imagined him jumping out of the car and opening the door for him, ready to drag the injured one to the hospital if he didn't willingly come. However, this option felt much better.

"Uh… Yeah. I think so. Yeah," he mumbled unintelligently. Morgan grinned softly and hopped out of the car just to go around it to help Reid.

Here they were again. At hospital. Being friends. Reid wasn't sure if he was supposed to feel relief, guilt or fear. None of them seemed very rational, yet all of them were more than real.

* * *

><p>The doctor was clear with his statement. And frankly, it was something that terrified Reid more than a face of a liar. It meant that it was really happening. He was going to need another surgery. One that could possibly delay his comeback to the office. One that might end up forbidding him from doing any field work. The thought made him feel sick.<p>

Morgan studied closely his friend's face and felt sadness building up in his chest. The kid could never catch a break. Apparently he was doomed to be in pain for a quite a few days to come. Weeks, if he wasn't lucky.

"Yes, I'm sorry Doctor Reid. This situation is unwelcomed, but we really need to perform that surgery", doctor Hall said pointedly. Reid nodded stiffly and felt Morgan's hand travelling to his shoulder to squeeze it and offer the much needed comfort.

"Right. Well, umm… when… when will it take place?" Reid asked softly. His voice was about to fail him and Morgan sensed and felt the tension that was pouring from the younger man. He wished he could've done something, but he knew it was out of his hands. It was about the doctors now.

"Hmm… Let me see. Possible – scratch that, propably – tomorrow morning. This surgery is quite urgent, but there is no room today. I'll sign this up, but if someone in an immediate danger comes in, you have to understand that they go first. Anyway, I'd say that you should spend the night here. There's no use to you to go home since it's this late," doctor Hall explained and smiled a little at Morgan. Then he glanced at Reid and felt his heart sink.

The kid had almost tears in his eyes. He seemed to be devastated. What had he done or said wrong? Or was it even his fault? Could it be only because the news were sad?

"Doctor Reid, no need to look so distraught. The surgery is only basic one. Hardly ever anything goes wrong with it and the errors are mostly reparable. Relax," he encouraged when he was sure the young man was about to collapse in any second. Now he had to act brave for his sake. Doctor Hall was pretty good at playing with his patients.

It wasn't hard to see how Reid straightened up, his whole demeanour changing. He was now sitting upright and looked a lot more alert than before. It was a sign Morgan had hoped to see.

_Well, that seemed to be good thing to say… Way to go doc, _Morgan couldn't help thinking. He felt utterly pleased that someone was able to make Reid feel a little better. He had been – hell, he still was – so worried about the younger man. It seemed to him that Reid was heavily slipping into a depression and that was something he really didn't want to happen. It could lead to another problems which were not desirable at all.

"Well, if you have nothing to ask I'll call a nurse who will escort you to your room where you can change and get settled," Doctor Hall explained and stood up. Reid followed suit although at a lot slower pace. Morgan watched him carefully before standing up too.

"You can sit in the hallway until someone comes to get you. I hope everything goes well from now on. We'll see after you have had your surgery," Doctor Hall then said and nodded. Reid nodded too, drew his mouth into a thin line and turned to exit. Morgan too nodded to the doctor and went after the younger man. He hoped it wouldn't take too long before someone came. Reid seemed to be little unsteady on his crutches. Maybe he would've been without them too.

* * *

><p>Reid was overly grateful when he was finally settled to a room. He hadn't gotten a private room and honestly, he hadn't expected that. His condition wasn't really that bad that required a lot of peace and quiet so to have another patient with him wasn't a bad thing at all. Except the fact that Reid was highly private man and he could only hope that the other guy wouldn't ask too many questions.<p>

Sitting once again in a hospital bed was somewhat irritating. Reid had hoped he wouldn't have to come back soon, but of course he should've known better. This was just his bad luck, although he didn't believe that such thing as bad luck even existed.

Morgan sat on a chair next to his bed and tapped on the floor with his foot. He didn't want to leave Reid just yet. Actually, he had decided to stay as long as the nurses allowed or until Reid kicked him out. He wasn't sure which would come first.

"I'll go get some coffee – for me – I'm not sure if you can have any if you're going to have that surgery tomorrow. Would you like to call someone at the time? I put your phone to the table. I'll be right back," Morgan said suddenly when the silence started to get a bit too intense. They had been staring at each other in turns for a while now. When Morgan looked at Reid he looked away and vice versa.

"Sure," Reid answered not really knowing the question. When Morgan got up and started to move towards the door the younger man sighed deeply.

"Morgan?"

"Yeah?"

"You know, you don't have to stay. I can manage. You should go home. Really," he told the older agent quietly. His eyes were fixed to the blanket on him and his fingers were sloppily gripping its edge.

"Reid… No. I want to be here. Look man, I love you. You're like a brother to me. But if you don't end this self-pity shit soon, I might just have to chop your head off. And we wouldn't like that, would we?" Morgan said threateningly and eyed Reid with a hard expression.

"No, I guess not," Reid chuckled. He was glad to have such a good friend.

"I'll go now, but I'll be right back. Call someone. I know you want to," Morgan ordered and once again turned his back to Reid and this time got out of the door and to the hallway.


	18. Chapter 18

**Hey! **

**Thank you for all the reviews and following this story. Every time I get an announcement that someone has started to follow this or has added this to favourites my heart leaps! Thank you so much! And thank you for the ideas you gave me. This story is starting to grow oddly all the time, into directions I didn't want to go at first... :D I'm not sure how this is going to end, but we'll see. **

**Sorry for taking so long again. I've been studying so hard that I haven't really had a lot of time for anything. I had my English listening comprehension test and tomorrow I have it on Swedish and the written parts and my history test are yet to come. They are my final test and I'll have some now and the rest of them in the spring. **

**I had to get this updated today, so this is going to be little short. Anyway. Hyvää syntymäpäivää theangelsarecoming! (Happy Birthday, as you probably guessed :D) This is my birthday gift to you. Hope you have/had a nice day! **

**Enjoy! **

* * *

><p>Chapter 18.<p>

The phone in his hand was something that mattered at the moment. Morgan had told him to call someone. But who did he want to call? Hotch? Definitely no. Garcia? Perhaps, but she had been putting up for his bad mood and Morgan's worries far too long already and Reid really didn't want to burden her more. JJ? No, she was probably with Will and Henry having a nice stay-at-home night he didn't want to ruin. He knew she would only tell him that it didn't matter and that he could always call her, but still, she seemed like bad option. Emily? Better. Actually, quite good option, but still there was something that made him doubt that to call her was a good thing to do. Maybe it was because he had lied to her so shamelessly. Rossi? The last choice. The best one too. Rossi was always calm and could get Reid relaxed too. He was just the guy Reid needed.

Slowly he turned his eyes to the phone in his hand, pressed a few buttons and lifted the cell to his ear. It only took couple of seconds from Rossi to answer.

"Rossi," said a voice bluntly in the other end of the call. Reid smiled. Typical.

"Hey Rossi. I was um… wondering if you have time to talk with me. I… I need someone to talk to and I… Well.. Umm…" Reid stammered swallowing hard and rubbing his hand over his fore head.

"Sure kiddo, anytime. Is something wrong?"

"Well, yes and no…" Reid answered softly, knowing Rossi wouldn't accept that kind of answer.

"Do I need to ask, or do you tell me willingly?"

"Uh… I'm in a hospital," Reid told quietly and continued swiftly, without waiting for Rossi to have time to answer.

"My knee got really bad and Morgan insisted me to go to the hospital and they said I need another surgery. I don't know what to do. They say it's a basic one and hardly anything ever goes wrong, but there's still a chance. What if I'll never be able to go back to field work? And what if I piss Morgan off with my rambling and self-pity and he kicks me out or something? I… "

"Reid. Reid! Slow down, kid. You know, I have a feeling that Morgan is not going to kick you out anytime soon. So don't worry about it. And if he ever set his mind that way I would either come down there and get him back to his senses or pick you up to stay at my place. I know you are in no condition to stay by yourself," Rossi said softly. Reid could almost hear him smile. Maybe Rossi was amused by Reid's worry or he genuinely wanted to help him. Either way, he was doing it right. Reid relaxed a bit and shoved his hand into his over-grown hair. He was once again grateful for the friends he had. True, Rossi was almost like a father or a really close uncle, but still Reid felt like he would rather appreciate if he was called friend.

Reid sighed and hung his head. He was tired of being constantly comforted. He really wasn't that valuable to anyone. Or at least he shouldn't have been. He never really did anything to deserve to be treated that well. True, he was smart and had helped solve quite a few cases but so had the others. Still, he was always the one everyone was worried about.

"And what comes to the surgery part, I'm sure the doctors know what they're doing. Maybe you should believe them when they say it's going to be alright. But that's only a suggestion. You'll have to decide yourself. Either way, we're all going to be there to support you this time. You won't have to go through that alone, like you mostly had to last time. I'm sure that…" Rossi said his voice warm, but Reid cut him off in the middle of the sentence.

"I appreciate it, Rossi. And I know what you mean. I'm just so afraid all the time. It feels like Hotch's never going to stand me around him or anything. He's just so angry at me and… He has every right to be. I…"

"Hold on there now. Reid, you are one of the most amazing people I know. You are true and smart and friendly. And I have said this before, but you did some mistakes, as we all did. It's not that simple. I don't know what I can tell you," Rossi explained calmly and reassuringly. Reid didn't have time to do anything besides turn his lips into a tiny smile, before Rossi continued.

"I'm so sorry Reid, but I have to go answer the door. I was waiting for someone…"

"Sure, thanks Rossi. You made me feel better. Again," Reid answered softy. He nodded to himself and scratched his forehead closing his eyes.

"No problem Reid. Call me anytime if you need it. I want to be there for you, because you are important. Never doubt that. Now, I got to flee."

"Talk to you later. Have a good night," Reid called then and ended the call at the same time with Rossi.

* * *

><p>There was a long silent moment. Morgan had yet to come back and Reid could only guess that he was flirting with some sweet nurse he had met. Although, it didn't matter to Reid he had to smirk a little at the thought. Persistent Morgan and a blonde, pretty nurse trying to get rid of him. He was drifting off to a light sleep when there suddenly was a voice.<p>

"Excuse me?"

It took a while from Reid to first register the words and then the source of them. When he finally realized that the words had left from the man in the next bed he turned his face towards him and tilted his head.

"Yes?"

"I couldn't help overhearing your call. I didn't mean to, but I just did. Now I'd like to know if you're okay? You didn't sound so happy," the man mumbled seemingly embarrassed. Reid sighed a little too loudly. He took it personally. This guy in the next bed did not know anything about him. He had no right to ask a single question. And Reid was not about the let it pass. He rarely got mad, but he had held it all in all too long.

"You know, I actually have no need to tell you that. I don't really care what you want to know or how much you want to help me or anything. This is my life. My worries and my world. Really! I encourage you to mind your own business and leave me alone!" Reid exclaimed. His voice rose a little too loud and high and his face contorted in anger and pain, although the other man couldn't tell.

Suddenly Morgan was at the door. He looked bewildered and almost dropped his coffee cup.

"Reid! Come on! Why the hell are you yelling at him?" Morgan asked sharply and made Reid wince. His face fell quickly and with a quick glance at Morgan he then threw his hand over his mouth and started to apologise to the other man.

"I'm so sorry. I've had a bad time lately, but I had no right to take it out on you. I'm sorry," he pleaded frantically and shook his head.

"No. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked. I just know that sometimes you need someone out of the family to talk to. I wanted to help, that's all. And the offer still stands," the other man answered nonchalantly and smiled.

Morgan looked pleased, although he saw the guilt still shaking Reid's frame. It was time for him to leave for a little while.

"I'm going to hit the toilet. Reid, behave," he then told quietly and left the room, leaving Reid and his roommate into a somewhat uncomfortable silence.


	19. Chapter 19

**Hey guys! **

**You are not going to believe this! I'm updating! Sorry it has taken this long and thank you for your reviews! I appreciate every single one of them as I appreciate you putting me or my story to your follow-list or to your favorites. I've been busy with Christmas and lazy for a huge amount of reasons.. **

**I also want to share something with you. I was kind of happy about it. I had my matriculation exam in English a few months ago. I talked about it as a final exam, because I couldn't remember the exact word, but that's not the point. Anyway, I got an L which is the best grade you can get! I was super surprised and happy and... It's cool. **

**Now, I'll let you go. Check the chapter out and please, let me know what you think of it. Reid really gets to open up in this one! At least I hope so. :) **

**Happy Holidays for you all! **

**Enjoy! **

* * *

><p>Chapter 19.<p>

The silence didn't stay for too long. In couple of minutes the two were chatting quietly about everything and nothing. The conversation was light and didn't get too personal so Reid managed to stay comfortable. The other man – Greg, as he introduced himself – was in the hospital thanks to an unlucky car accicent. He had broken his arm as well as his leg. His son had got a mild concussion and he had been able to leave with his mother a while ago. Greg himself hadn't been so lucky. He was going to need a surgery and it would take place the next morning.

"Or so they told me… I'm not sure how trustworthy their schedules are", Greg said softly and laughed making Reid smirk.

"Well, yeah. There are so much that can happen. Did you know…?" Reid answered and fell into reciting some statistics about hospital staff and their actual schedules. Greg listened to him his eyes widening at every bit of information and once Reid was finished he looked absolutely shocked.

"How…? How the hell do you know that stuff?" he asked looking at Reid in complete amazement.

"He's a genius. He has an eidetic memory and a lot of other stuff you don't want to know about. And he reads a lot. Too much, if you ask me", Morgan stepped in to the room grinning to the two men looking at him.

"Morgan, please…"

"What, Reid? I'm merely stating the truth. You are a genius. How else would you have graduated from high school when you were twelve? Just tell me that, man", Morgan exclaimed laughing cheekily and staying far enough from Reid so that the younger man couldn't smack him.

"Just… Just… Leave it, Morgan. Can't you just once let me be normal? Haven't you noticed that people start treating me differently when they hear about this?" Reid muttered and clutched his arms around his midsection. Morgan stared at him for a moment opening his mouth in wonderment.

"Reid… Where did this come from kid? I haven't noticed anything…" Morgan said tilting his head. Reid snorted. He really didn't want to hurt Morgan, but it had come down to the path he had sworn he would one day follow. And this day was as good as any.

"Yeah, you wouldn't notice, because you do it yourself. I've seen the looks they give me when I say something that screams geek and I've heard them whispering to each other and asking what planet I'm from. And you… You sometimes talk to me like I'm a computer. I mean… I'm sorry, but seriously!" he explained and shook his head. The tears where threatening to come, and he had to keep blinking his eyes almost furiously.

"Reid, man, I'm sorry, I had no idea… I… You know I appreciate you man. We all do. We love you", Morgan tried, but Reid interrupted him harshly.

"Please, Morgan, just leave me be."

Morgan stared at the younger man for a second and debated himself whether he should say something or not. When Reid turned his back to the other agent he had gotten his cue to leave. Defeatedly Morgan hung his head and exited the room. Reid knew he wouldn't go far and wouldn't leave the hospital without talking to him, but Reid really needed a moment alone. The silence was all over the place again as Greg didn't have the courage to break it.

* * *

><p>It took a good twenty minutes before Reid sighed and turned to look at Greg.<p>

"I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to be stuck with me. It's a bad day and I can't really control myself. Again, I'm sorry", Reid mumbled without looking Greg in the eyes. He felt so ashamed that he couldn't even think of looking at the other man. It was a mistake though, because if he had looked he would have seen a genuinely worried smile on his face. They hadn't known each other for long, but there was already a soft spot for Spencer in the older man's heart.

"It's alright, Spencer. We all have bad days. They come and they go and it seems to me that they have pretty much only come for you lately. So, you have nothing to apologize. And I want you to know, that my offer still stands. You can talk to me, if you want," Greg answered gently and Reid could hear him sift a little.

There it was again. The silence. Neither of the men spoke before Reid sighed.

"I… I've never really been normal, you know. In a way I like it, because it makes me special, but on the other hand it's like a hell on Earth. It was hard to be a child prodigy. People think it's nice and cool to know so much and learn so fast, but I actually hated it. I was always the weird kid and the one to be teased and bullied.

I never got any real friends before I went to university and even then my friends were mostly those who wanted to get something from me. Or the professors. They liked me. It wasn't hard to guess though. Why wouldn't a teacher like a kid who could answer to any question they made? Still, I can remember a few of them who wouldn't even allow me to attend their classes, because I knew more than they did and they didn't really enjoy being humiliated. I never meant to do it, though. I didn't want anyone to dislike me because I was smart", Reid spoke quickly like he was afraid of the words escaping from him if he took too much time. Greg remained silent and just listened to the young man ramble on. He wasn't sure what it was but there was something in Reid that reminded him of someone. His son, he soon realised. They had the same way of hiding their face behind their hair and a similar manner of quirking lips. Even their voices sounded alike.

"I got my first real friends when I joined the Bureau. My team. Morgan, Hotch, Gideon… I'd known Gideon before. I met him while I was still in the Academy and he talked the FBI into hiring me. They made exceptions for me. I wasn't physically as fit as it was hoped and I was too young to actually be an agent. I was only 21, when most people don't get in to the FBI before the age of 23 and even then you have to be an agent for a couple of years before becoming a profiler.

I became a profiler almost instantly when I set my foot in the building. My team was suspicious about me at first. Morgan and Clifford especially, Hotch was mostly afraid of my mental health and Gideon… well, he knew I could do it. Clifford left us before I got a chance to get to know him. Some say I was the reason for his departure but neither Morgan nor Hotch has confirmed that. I didn't even dare to ask that from Gideon. Maybe I didn't want to hear the truth," Reid kept talking. His eyes were glued to the roof and his fingers kept fidgeting slowly. Greg scratched his head – not that Reid saw it – wondering, if he should say something, right when Reid continued his story.

"Now that I've made some friends and I've become a part of something and have a real family, I'm throwing it all away with mistakes. I was a drug addict a few years ago and you know what they say – once an addict, always an addict. I've done some stupid and reckless decisions and my boss has been on the verge of firing me about ten times. He hasn't done that yet, but I think he might do it after the latest episodes. I got shot to a knee while on a case and lied to him about it, because I didn't want him to worry about me. He had enough problems already as it was, because, well, it's his personal matter, and I'm not going to go there. He still has those problems and he doesn't know about the true extent of my injury. He thinks I just fell. I… I don't know if I can ever tell him the truth…"

"Listen, mate, you said you have a family now and assuming you meant your team, I can assure you that any family would allow their members to make mistakes. If they really care about you, they won't judge you and your boss won't fire you, unless you did something against the regulations or something. But even if he did fire you, they would never give up on you. Not, if they really are your family", Greg said quietly and smiled a little. Reid turned his head slightly to meet the man's eyes and nodded, but didn't look too confident. He didn't feel confident either. True, the others were on his side again. They were his family and his friends, but it might take a lot more than that to get Hotch to talk to him again. The last time they had seen each other hadn't gone well and Reid still could feel the ice inside of him.

* * *

><p>"Now, I don't mean to be rude and you don't have to answer if you don't want to, but what do you mean by real family? I mean, how come the team is your first family?" Greg then asked not taking his eyes from Reid.<p>

The atmosphere changed immediately from open and almost cosy to freezing and uncomfortable. Reid squirmed in his bed and kept opening and closing his mouth.

"It's okay if you don't want to tell," Greg offered, but Reid shook his head sharply. He needed to get this out. It was a big part of him and if Greg wanted to understand him he needed to now this. He needed to know his family at least to some extent.

"No, I… Ah… My… my mother, she is a para… a paranoid schizophrenic. She wasn't lucid all that much when I was a kid. I grew up fast because I had to take care of myself really early," Reid then mumbled and turned his face away again.

"And you father?" Greg asked trying not to sound too pushy. He knew only a little about schizophrenia and the amount he knew was nothing happy. Reid had had a hell of a childhood. It should have been clear by the way he talked and acted. He had no self-confidence and he was shy and his social skills probably weren't his best quality. Greg would've suspected some kind of syndrome, maybe Asperger', but really, he was no doctor.

"He… He left when I was ten. He was never a good father. He tried, yeah, but it didn't turn out so well. Gideon was my first father actually. I can't really consider William to be related like that. He wasn't… I don't know. I'm starting to think that I don't really need a father. I trusted Gideon with all my heart, but he left me too. He didn't say anything. He just left me a letter to his cabin telling me he had to go. I… It wasn't easy".

"Talk about abandonment issues," Greg mused quietly and Reid snorted in response.

"Yeah, something like that," he mumbled and shrugged. Greg had hit the nail. Abandonment. Issues. As if Reid didn't have enough problems as it was. He almost felt like laughing. His life seemed to be so messed up.

"So, what about your friend? Morgan? Why did you yell at him? Was it true? Has he treated you like you were a machine?"

"Well, who hasn't? It's impossible to avoid being labelled nowadays. I'm a genius, so I have no other meaning. Of course they love me, but sometimes I feel it's just for my brain and not for who I am. Maybe… maybe I'm afraid that all I am is my brain. I just… What if it's all there is to me?" Reid wondered and rubbed his eyes.

"It's not."

Reid's head snapped towards the door from where the voice had come. He had expected Morgan to be the next one to visit him, but apparently he had called someone.

"Garcia, what are you doing here?"

"I came here to talk to you. Derek called me and told me how distressed and hurt you were. He told about your fight and that you seem to be getting buried under the impressive mass of worries. Why haven't you talked to anyone? And don't you dare to tell me you didn't want to bother us, because we've talked about this and we have established that you can come and talk to any one of us at any time!" Garcia said strongly and then turned to Greg.

"Hello, my name is Penelope Garcia. I'm one of Reid's friends and co-workers," she exclaimed and waved her hand. Greg smiled and introduced himself too.

"I'm starting to get tired. I'll just turn in now. Please, don't let my presence bother you," he then said sensing the two needed privacy. Garcia smiled at him gratefully and then turned her eyes back to Reid.

"So?"

"I have nothing to say. I'm a jerk," Reid mumbled staring at the patterns of Garcia's brightly coloured dress. He didn't want to meet her eyes and see the determined Garcia glare he was sure she had directed towards him.

"No, you're not. You're reserved and too kind. Don't ever lose that, but please, start trusting us!"

"I trust you. I really do. I… Can I see Morgan? I need to tell him I'm sorry," Reid pleaded still avoiding Garcia's eyes.

"No need for that kid. I'm the one who should be apologising. I've done some self-research and I know I haven't always treated you right, but you have to know that I don't mean anything by it. I really do care about you and I love the fact that you are so, so super smart. It's cool. And I need to have a friend who has a clue, when obviously I do not".

Morgan had appeared to the door. He had had a feeling that Garcia had already got the things settled with Reid and that it was now a time for him to come. The two looked at each other not wasting the words anymore. There were tears in the corners of Reid's eyes. His entire youth had he lived alone with no one else to care for than his mother and now, now he had so many important people in his life he couldn't even count. And Morgan, well, Morgan was simply his best friend. No room for arguments of any sort.


	20. Chapter 20

**Hey guys! **

**You propably want to kill me right now :D I am so, so, so, so sorry for the really long wait. I am truly surprised if there still is someone who reads this! **

**I have no excuses really. Well yeah, we had a lot of family issues after that (my dad got sick, my grandmother died and so on) and I had a lot of school work to do (I gratuated from high school last spring and the last year was quite hard), but they don't really explain this. I should have had time, but I did not have inspiration and I was stuck. I still am, but there will be couple of more chapters to go(I will try to get them out in a couple of months, but university does not like the students to have any extra curriculars outside of school and I have about twenty books to read, so it might take some time again. Not as long as this though!). Anyway, thank you for all of your kindness and even more thank you if you have stuck with this story.**

**Agan I am sorry for the wait and the shortness of the chapter.**

**Enjoy!**

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><p>Chapter 20<p>

"I'm afraid to go back to work tomorrow."

It was a couple of weeks after the second surgery that Reid dropped the bomb that left Morgan opening and closing his mouth like a fish on a dry land. He knew it had been hard on the younger man to be on the bad side of their boss but he had not expected this at all.

The surgery had gone well and Reid had been on the mend ever since. Of course he was still in pain and could do almost nothing as he was not allowed to leave the house. The kid had been terrified that his leg would not heal, but Morgan had done his best to keep his thoughts off from all the possible outcomes. Even before the surgery the genius had been on edge and trying his best to drive the hospital staff crazy. Morgan and Garcia had stayed with him at night before one of the grumpy nurses had driven them off only for them to come back next morning before the operation. They had stayed with him until he had been wheeled away and then when he had been brought back they had already been sat in the room waiting for him. It would have been an understatement to say that Reid had been grateful.

"Come again, Pretty Boy?"

"I'm afraid to go back to work. I mean, I'm still healing and… Hotch is still mad at me and… I just think that maybe it's time for me to leave the team," Reid mumbled nursing his morning coffee between his hands. He didn't look at Morgan as he feared there would be resentment instead of encouragement in his eyes.

"Okay. Where would you go?" Morgan asked trying desperately to keep his voice balanced and calm even though he was on an edge of a panic. He didn't want to lose a co-worker like Reid. He had single-handedly solved a lot of their cases and he was valuable to the team. But it was not because of his usefulness in the course of work that made Morgan respect the younger man. The kid was smart and compassionate. He was good with people despite the fact that he would rarely face them. He was a guy anyone would want to be friends with and it scared Morgan that he would have to let him go and possible lose him forever.

"Oh, come on, Morgan! It's not like I haven't gotten any offers. Bureau has my name on several lists and I've been asked to join in other agencies as well as half the universities in the country," Reid huffed slightly annoyed at the question, although he knew his agitation had nothing to do with Morgan really.

He had been closed between four walls for two weeks. He was bound to get a little restless. He knew it was not right to take it out on others, but he couldn't really help it. Besides, Morgan had not taken it badly, not once. Reid had been angry and frustrated and overall irritating, but Morgan had mostly brushed it off and kept trying to make him feel as comfortable as possible. Morgan knew he would not be nearly as tolerable as Reid was if he had such an injury.

Still, the two weeks had not been easy four either of them. Reid had been in constant pain the first five days and even though he had not complained Morgan knew it was hard for him. Reid had been able to get off of the bed only to go to the bathroom and even showering had been impossible without Morgan's help. Although Morgan never commented or even looked it had been embarrassing for Reid. Perhaps it was not that he was ashamed of his body but the fact that he had to rely on other people to get by.

The second week had been better as Reid had been allowed to go around the house and move a bit more. His leg was still hurting him and his movements were slow and sluggish, but he was getting better. He even found himself cracking some jokes and even pranking Morgan after the older man got home from work. Morgan didn't mind though as it seemed to keep Reid entertained.

"I know kid, sorry. But… are you sure? Do you really want to go?"

Reid sighed. He raised his eyes from the table and Morgan good see the insecurity, uncertainty and fear in them. It was so painfully obvious that Reid was not sure that it made Morgan's heart ache.

"I don't know. I mean, I love you guys and with you I finally feel like I belong somewhere with someone, but I'm afraid Hotch won't be able to work alongside with me anymore."

"He's just worried," Morgan said as it was the most apparent thing in the world, but the realization made them both freeze.

"He's worried?" Reid repeated and looked at the man on the other side of the table. He really should have realized it sooner!

"Of course! How did we not see it before? It can't be anything else," Morgan stated and shrugged. Even profilers could be stupid sometimes.

* * *

><p>Next morning they went to work together, Reid hobbling on his crutches and Morgan walking casually beside him.<p>

"He's coming back to work today too, isn't he?"

"Yeah, Emily's bringing him," Morgan answered and glanced at Reid quickly.

"You okay coming back? We didn't really get a chance to close the conversation yesterday," Morgan asked tilting his head slightly. It had been merely seconds after the idea of Hotch being worried had hit them that Garcia had rang the doorbell. She had told them they would have a lunch together after a movie and then after eating they would watch more movies. She had wanted to make sure the day lacked any stress as Reid did not need any extra pressure at that moment. And they had went along, not that they really had had any choice. Garcia could be really adamant if she wanted to.

Reid thought about his answer for a moment before answering.

"I think so. It'll be hard if Hotch still does not want anything to do with me, but I trust he'll be able to keep it professional."

"What about your leg?"

"It's fine. Might be the adrenaline, though. But I'll be fine. Don't worry about it," Reid answered truthfully and flashed Morgan a brief smile before they parted, Morgan goingo meet Rossi and Reid hobbling into Garcia's lair to have a chat.

They talked about Hotch, obviously and blinkers. And it was way more unsettling than Reid had expected. If he had not understood it earlier, now it was painstakingly obvious to him that returning to work would be way much harder to Hotch than it was to him.

* * *

><p>Their discussion was cut short though, as JJ entered the room telling they had a case and that Reid would be needed. And with a sad, forced smile Reid got up from his chair and moved after JJ. He grimaced at the idea of a plane ride with the brace still his leg and the knee aching from time to time. The pressure put on it would not help.<p>

They got settled in the plane quickly and easily enough, Reid occupying the couch with his leg laying on it. As Hotch entered Reid's shoulders tensed a bit and Morgan glanced at him worriedly.

Hotch had an icy stare, but he did not seem to focus it on anyone particular. He asked about the brace on Reid's leg and the younger man risked a smile and a soft _welcome back_ afterwards and was provided with a curt nod and a_ thank you_. The older man did not seem too angry at him. Perhaps it would be fine.


	21. Chapter 21

**Hey guys! **

**I know, it's been ridiculously long again since I last updated and I know it's super annoying. So many thanks to all of you who still have stuck with me and this story. And thank you for the amazing reviews! I seriously love them.**

**Okay, so. I have been really, really stuck with this story. I had actually planned on getting a lot more going on before this chapter, but as people kept kind of hoping for this and since I could not get myself in writin anything, here it is. It is a bit too cheesy and perhaps a bit rushed and all, but I am surprised I even got it written, so please, bare with me. **

**Oh, and I think the next chapter will be the last. **

**Okay, enjoy! **

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><p><em>Chapter 21<em>

On their way home from the bureau they were both quiet. They were worried about Hotch. They were worried about the team and each other.

"_So,_" Morgan said pointedly as he pulled the car into his drive way and stopped the engine.

It was a simple word, yet it seemed to lay everything out in front of them. For a moment they sat without uttering another word, but then Reid shook his head and let out a soft laugh. It was nearly incomprehensible, the situation they were in. Their team had been through so many things that by all means should have ripped them apart, but they were still together. After everything.

"What?" Morgan demanded looking at his friend as if he had completely lost it.

"Just, look at us. We are one big, dysfunctional family."

"That we are. And I am glad you are with me in it," Morgan admitted joining Reid's smile and clapping his hand to the slender shoulder next to his.

"He did not take it bad. Me being there too, I mean," Reid then pointed out while opening his seat belt.

"Good thing too. It would be hard if he did not talk to you or anyone of us. Maybe he has forgiven," Morgan answered and Reid nodded his consent.

"I had nearly forgotten that he was angry at you too. I have no idea if he's ridiculously professional or if he has really put this all behind him."

"He wasn't mad at us. Not really. Just a bit frustrated that we didn't tell him the truth right away, but it was you he's been angry with. And uh, I think he is just ridiculously professional. Always has been. It's possible though that he has forgiven, it's hard to tell with him," Morgan commented shrugging and opened his door to get out. Reid sat unmoving a while longer before mimicking his friend's action and slowly got out of the car.

* * *

><p>It was slow for a couple of days after that. They did not have any big cases and they did not have to go anywhere. The tension around the team was slowly dying. Reid felt like it was easier to breathe and when he mentioned it to Morgan, the older profiler nodded in agreement.<p>

It wasn't until five days after they got back that a call came in and they found themselves sitting around a round table again. The case was peculiar to say the least, but they had all been working so long that it didn't shake them like it would have years ago.

As they ended the briefing Hotch stood up telling them to be ready in twenty minutes. He then threw a file across the table so it landed in front of Reid.

"What's this?"

"You told me you were cleared to travel. You lied," Hotch murmured icily. 'Again' left unsaid. He looked stern and annoyed as Reid picked up the file and looked it trough, though Hotch would have put money on him already knowing it by heart.

"Naughty boy," Prentiss chipped in, but the comment was left unanswered as the team started to exit the room.

"No I didn't. I am a doctor, so technically it wasn't a lie," Reid tried to defend himself. He really didn't need to stay at the bureau. He wanted to go with the team. He needed to prove his worth. He needed to make Hotch realize that he hadn't meant anything bad with not telling the truth. And he didn't think he could do it if he had to stay behind.

"What was it then?" Garcia asked suddenly from the door frame and Reid realized he wasn't helping himself or his cause at all.

"Umm… Second opinion," he still couldn't help but answer making Morgan snort in amusement.

"Hm. You're my bitch now," Garcia snickered earning a laugh from Morgan and a frustrated huff from Reid. Then then the two left the room and Reid gathered his crutches looking at Hotch's still lingering frame in remorse.

"Hey, Hotch. Can we talk?" he tried softly hoping that his wish would be granted. The older man looked up from his papers locking his eyes on Reid's.

"You know this did not help you gain my trust back, right?" Hotch's voice was filled with annoyance and Reid was almost ready to back down and crawl into some pitch black corner somewhere so he wouldn't have to face Hotch's wrath, but he had already started so he coulnd't go back.

"I know, and I'm sorry about everything I've done. I…" Reid started, but was interrupted by a knock on the door. Both agents turned to look at the newcomer and Reid's eyes widened in recognition.

"Doctor Barton!" he exclaimed in wonder. He had not seen the older man since the case ended and he had not really expected to see him ever again. They rarely saw any of the people related to their work later on, because usually it was too painful for them to remember.

"Doctor Reid, I was told you would be here. Do you have a minute?"

"I can go," Hotch muttered starting to gather his stack of paper swiftly off the table, but Doctor Barton stopped him.

"No, no. I just wanted to come and thank Doctor Reid for everything he did for me. I realized that I never told you how much it meant to me and I was kind of a jerk back then," Doctor Barton explained and took a step forward, offering his hand for Reid to shake. The youngest of the tree regarded the hand uncertainly for a moment before grabbing it and giving it a firm shake.

"I was just doing my job. Nothing more. And you were in a stressful situation. It is totally normal to act out a bit," Reid answered, his cheeks flushing a bit. He was not used to anyone thanking him. It was usually Hotch or JJ or Morgan who got the compliments, because they were more open than the rest of them and handled people better.

Hotch still hadn't gotten his papers together and seemed to have given up in favour of listening to the conversation. It appeared that he had not heard all there was to the story behind Reid's injury, not that it really mattered, but he found himself oddly curious.

"Still, you got shot protecting me. You jumped in front of a bullet, for god's sake and I am eternally grateful for that. Thank you," Doctor Barton nodded and smiled. Then he turned to look at Hotch, who managed a bit softer expression.

"You must be really proud of him," Doctor Barton said warmly, before throwing Reid a last, appreciative glance and exiting the room.

"I am." Hotch whispered quietly, turning to look at Reid as they were left alone. The younger man's eyes widened in wonder and his teeth found his lip to chew on.

"I… I think we have been at each other's throats for far too long now. Well, more like I have been on your throat. This couple of months without Jack and Haley has been the hardest of my life and I… I have been taking it out on you. It's not fair and I… I just need to say I'm sorry, Reid," Hotch admitted, his voice low and face full of sorrow.

"I haven't made it easy either. I could have just come straight to you and told you what happened, but I… I didn't want to worry you and I felt like… I was selfish. I thought that you would think less of me, because I screwed up and in fear of that I ended up screwing up even worse. I'm sorry too, Hotch."

They looked at each seriously for a second, before Hotch rounded the table with couple of firm strides and reached Reid into a hug.

"I… I could never think any less of you for saving a man. I could never think any less of you period. We are a family, Reid. And I love you, no matter what," Hotch mumbled over the younger's shoulder as they held each other close far longer than usual, because they needed it. They needed to feel that warmth again, though neither one of them really was a hugger.

When they finally let go of each other, Reid's eyes were misty with tears and an unusual show of emotion was dancing across Hotch's face too.

"So, we good?" Hotch asked then, his hand lingering on Reid's shoulder as the younger tried to get his bearings back.

"Yeah. I think we are," he answered then, wiping his eyes. And then they both smiled at each other, fully and genuinely for the first time in what felt like forever.


	22. Chapter 22

**Hey guys! **

**I just want to thank you all so much for sticking with me to the end. And this is it. Years of hard and not so hard work have come to an end and Facing the Pain is finally done. **

**As I was trying to write this chapter (somewhat) I though back to my writing process. When I started writing this I was a 17 years old, half-way through high school and never thought things could change as much as they did. Now I'm 21 on my second year in a university (I graduated high school with good grades, yay). During these years I have seen my grandmother get worse and eventually die and my father struggle with his illness and my mother suffer from the fall out of it all. I've learned to write better and I have certainly become more mature, though I am still far from being a proper adult. **

**I also tried to figure out why my motivation to write this story has been so low for the last couple of years. I don't think it is solely because I haven't been watching Criminal Minds for a while (I still haven't seen season 9 and 10). I think it has more to do with the fact how much I have changed. Because let's face it, no one is exactly the same at the age of 21 as they were when they were 17. There are things I am definitely not happy with in this story and I haven't really been able to re-read it because I've been a bit ashamed of how and what I have written. **

**So once again, thank you for your amazing support, your reviews, favorites, follows and everything. I feel very fortunate to have had so many wonderful readers for my story and I thank you for your infinite patience. **

**I believe there are still many stories for me to write (some are currently in process and partly published and some will not see the daylight in years) and I am looking forward to all those projects. This has really been rewarding journey, though it took a lot longer than it should have. This is the longest complete story I have ever published but it won't be forever. **

**So, for the last time with this one,**

**Enjoy!**

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><p><em>Chapter 22<em>

In some way, saving an innocent doctor who had only tried to do his job, had felt really good. The aftermath of it not so much. But thinking back on it Reid could really see the silver lining. The team was now closer than ever before. Straightening the wrongs and working out the rights hadn't been all that easy but it had been rewarding, though there was still some work to do.

Reid couldn't help but think how truly lucky he was to have such a good team around him. They were co-workers and friends, but most of all they were a family. They would lean in to each other and lend each other strength when they needed it and they had needed it a lot lately.

"Hey genius, get out of your headspace we need you looking pretty in the picture!"

Reid could feel a plush creep up his cheeks as Morgan slapped a hand on his shoulder and squeezed. The hand guided him to back row to stand between Hotch and Morgan. He adjusted his weight to lean more on the uninjured leg, although his knee wasn't really bothering him anymore. It was a reflex.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw Hotch throw a look at him. It was a question. A challenge. It urged him to tell the truth or lie and suffer the consequences. Reid flashed him an easy smile as an answer and strengthened it with a soft nod. It should be enough.

As good of a profiler Hotch was – and Reid knew he was one of the best – his senses were sometimes overthrown by his concern for his family and friends. He would go to lengths to protect those he loved but it was rarely shown to those who were not trained to see it. But when it happened, those were the times Hotch was in a need of reassurance or guidance even. And those were the times Reid was happy to provide the help. He was positive they were not at the point now, but Hotch's open show of caring was due to the past events. A mark that all the wounds had not yet healed. But they would with time.

As he stood there wearing a goofy grin on his face, Morgans arm around his neck and Hotch looking a little less stern Reid realised that he would not have wanted any other family to brighten his adulthood. It did not matter that they had just come out of a huge mess of lies and shouting and anger. It mattered that they _had _come out. Because families fight. Perhaps their fight was a bit worse than those of a normal families', but there was really nothing normal about them.


End file.
